ONE
Captain’s log as the Enterprise orbits an icy, dying planet. They are to retrieve the science party below and observe the planet’s collapse. However, on the station the people are inexplicably frozen at their consoles.
Beaming in are Spock and another crewman wearing . . . haha! It looks like my grandma’s plastic couch cover. I’m totally distracted from what’s happening by this costume, including the tubular head piece with the clear plastic face plate. Masterful.
However, people are dead, including the guy taking a shower while fully clothed, so let’s pay attention.
TWO
Rut-roh. The unnamed crewman takes off his glove and reaches under his hood to scratch his nose. There sits his abandoned glove while he continues to investigate the console, his bare hand coming close to a mysterious substance. Aargh! The stain ejects a drop that travels to the idiot’s hand. WHAT?!! He shakes the hand and touches his face with it! And then he puts his glove back on. Haha, and of course Spock returns and says, “Make sure we expose ourselves to nothing.”
Roll credits.
Bridge business as the Captain’s log recaps what we know so far.
THREE
Scotty beams up the away team. At Spock’s insistence he and doofus go through a decontamination sequence. Kirk wants them also to go to medical for a check-up. Bones In, on the case, as our Three.
FOUR
According to the med table, Joe Doofus is fine. Spock’s turn on the table. Lol, we get the jokes about Spock’s numbers, which are in the red when measured by human physiology. Watching the interplay between Spock and Bones, Joe rubs his infected hand on his arm. Kirk comes in for their report. Joe is upset and Kirk tells him to rest. As Kirk and Spock leave, Nurse Chapel walks in! Yay! First sighting. Girl, lol, what in the world is on your head? The wig looks like a platinum ionic column.
Now to the briefing room as Spock and Kirk examine the tapes from the surface. Yay, it’s Yeoman Janice! Also, Bones and Scotty. Finally, our core team is on the show. The tapes show nothing new to us. The irrationality of the deaths is all that’s remarkable. We get nice closeups and sound reasoning from our team. Question from Kirk: we must stay in a tight orbit to observe. Is there a danger to the vessel or crew? Spock says, we’ll need peak efficiency. Scotty says, my engines can pull us out of anything. Unless you all start taking showers in your clothes on the bridge. Uhura comms in with a report, and the meeting breaks up.
The rec room. A duo plays 3-D chess and our Joe grabs a meal from the replicator. (Was it called a replicator yet?) He wipes his infected hand on his shirt. A shaking maraca is always the accompanying sound effect. Sulu and Riley (Ha! I remember him. God, is this that episode?) enter, grab drinks, and sit with Joe. Oh, Lord, it is, because Sulu’s arguing with him about the benefits of fencing. Wow, this episode is so classic.
As Joe obsessively wipes his hand, Sulu asks if he’s alright. He snaps, saying, “You don’t have pointed ears so get off my back.” (Spock authority issues. Okay.) He goes all existential, and then pulls the butter knife on Sulu. “We don’t belong out here in space.” He turns the knife on himself. Riley and Sulu grab him, intervening. Such a great struggle! The three of them fall to the ground, and Joe’s stabbed by the . . . butter knife. Wow, do they sell a really stupid scene! As Riley comms for help, he looks at his hand. Cue the maracas.
Orbit and the Captain’s log: The ship needs efficiency now, but an unknown disease has been brought aboard. The bridge, with Sulu and Riley at helm. We see each of them wipe at their hands while maracas shake.
McCoy and Chapel in sick bay perform surgery on Joe. He should be fine. However, now he’s dying and Bones doesn’t know why.
Intercut with the bridge. Riley is late to compensate for the planet’s gravity surge. He’s too busy sweating and wiping his palm.
SWITCH
“He’s dead, doctor.” McCoy calls to the bridge for Kirk, but he’s busy.
FIVE
The planet continues to shrink. The Enterprise must be ready at an instant to warp away. Kirk finally heads to sick bay. Meanwhile, Sulu and Riley remark on how sweaty they are. All of a sudden Sulu decides to sneak away to the gym for a light workout. Haha! Escalate the crazy. Very good.
McCoy, updating Kirk, decides that Joe just didn’t want to live. His wound wasn’t life-threatening. He was on the planet, Kirk says. We checked everything we know how to check, McCoy protests. Well, find something else.
On the bridge Spock finally notices that Sulu’s chair is empty. He dashes to helm. Oh, boy, here comes the part I’ve been dreading. When Spock asks where Sulu is, Riley responds with some Irish blarney, brogue and all. Spock immediately dismisses him and has Uhura take his station.
Like a drunk man Riley wanders the ship. In sick bay he asks Nurse Chapel what happened to Joe. Then he touches her chin and the maracas shake.
Oh, dear, hahaha! Complete change of scene and music, and Sulu, shirtless, jumps into a hallway wielding a fencing sword. He’s so happy! And he makes it perfectly clear to the camera that the tip on this blade is pointy. With pirate speak and his left arm cocked, he challenges two crewmen, cheerfully chasing them down the hall. Very dynamic performance. It’s iconic for a reason.
Back on the bridge Kirk and Spock discuss the illness and its symptoms. Uhura on comms reports about Sulu with . . . a sword. Pretty funny reactions all around. Spock speculates about hidden personality traits until the entire bridge lurches. Increase in gravity from the dying planet needs to be compensated, but helm is not answering to control. Blast us out of orbit, Kirk says. They have no power, though, and Scotty isn’t responding. Kirk leaves the bridge.
(Isn’t that sweet? No yelling by me at the screen necessary. Kirk attempted the smartest move — just warp out — and it failed. Now we can enjoy the storyline about how they regain control without feeling needlessly manipulated.)
Haha, Sulu steps out of the elevator before Kirk can even get off the bridge. Oh, he’s hilarious! He’s so joyful as a swashbuckler. Uhura, smiling, distracts him as Kirk wrestles with him for the sword. THE PINCH! Spock with the first usage of the Vulcan neck pinch. Yes!! Oh, top scene, excellent! They remove the unconscious Sulu as Kirk tries to raise the engine room. Oh, help me. It’s Riley who answers.
There it is. Over the entire ship comms he starts singing “I will take you home again, Kathleen.” Murder me now.
Captain’s log: ship out of control, spiralling down. Kirk races through the halls. Nineteen minutes of life left. Kirk meets Scotty, locked out at the engine room door. When Kirk returns to the bridge, comms can’t override Riley. Spock tries to help, but Riley controls everything. Kirk looks soooo pissed, lol. Lurch! Yay, Actor Histrionics!
Bones is performing tests on a sedated Sulu. Could you keep the ship steady, please?
“Captain” Riley would like women to keep their hair loose in future. (Uhura may kill him before Kirk does.) And then he announces he will render “Kathleen” one more time.
Aaaaaargh!!
Scotty’s ready to cut through the bulkhead into engineering. Kirk on the bridge sends Spock to move Scotty faster before checking on McCoy.
In sick bay Bones can’t get an answer from the lab. He leaves, with Chapel left in charge of a Sulu regaining consciousness. Maracas.
The bridge is falling apart, with crewmen becoming silly. Janice enters and Kirk puts her on helm. (Is everyone trained in helm? I would’ve thought it was more complicated than that.) Uhura and Kirk go a little hammer and tongs over Riley’s singing and the inability to shut him up. I feel your pain, people. Aw, Kirk says, “Sorry,” and Uhura smiles.
Spock enters sick bay. Chapel comes up behind him and takes his hand. (Maracas.) She speaks romantically and Spock pulls away. “I’m in love with you, Mr. Spock.” Aargh! Well, that’ll be embarrassing for her later. Wait! Spock looks at his hand that she touched. She comes closer and speaks so sympathetically. He battles emotion: “I AM sorry.” He’s called by comms, though, and leaves. Whoa! Walking away he hesitates and breaks down for one second. One spasm, then he powers onward.
Outside engineering Kirk watches Scotty cut the last bit of wall panel. They’re through the door. Inside, Riley is tossed to security and Scotty sits in the chair. Lol, I don’t know if Riley is ever seen again on this show. AND RIGHTFULLY SO.
Intercut with Spock in the hallway, weeping. He goes into the empty briefing room to regain control of himself, shifting between discipline and emotion. He tries to recite mathematical tables.
Riley had turned off the engines. They’re completely cold and will take a half hour to restart, time they don’t have. What will Kirk do? Where is Mr. Spock?
SIX
Cut to Sulu screaming while Bones stands over him with a hypodermic. Oh, it’s a good, long wail. Epic. Wait for it . . . yes, he’s cured. Bones Out, case solved, as our Six.
SEVEN
McCoy wants to manufacture a serum, but the lab tech giggles at him. The disease is passed through perspiration and acts like alcohol in the bloodstream, McCoy explains. More cackling. He’ll just go do it himself.
EIGHT
Kirk walks in on Spock, who agonizes over how he never told his mother he loves her. Yes! Kirk slaps him. We need a formula, smack! We’ve got to risk implosion, smack! Spock finally backhands him across the room. Uhura comms in and Kirk explodes, hitting the console. He realizes he’s infected. For a minute he loses it, talking about the demands of his ship versus the touch of a woman. Spock, though, thinks about the formula and comes up with an answer. When Scotty enters, Kirk still mooning and asking for help, Spock heads to engineering to make the implosion happen.
When Kirk steps onto the bridge McCoy, waiting, rips away his sleeve and jabs him in the shoulder with the cure. He takes the chair, still fighting for emotional control, and begins to command. Aw, he gives one sad, lonely reach toward Janice nearby, then settles back.
Meanwhile, Spock and Scotty are in engineering. I guess getting slapped about did the trick, because Mr. Spock appears normal.
On the bridge Kirk gives the command: “Engage.” We get a tableau, then some kind of keening noise that makes everyone convulse with pain. Dissolve to a shot of space, and they’re free. They’ve escaped the dying planet’s gravity well. Spock enters, and he and Kirk make sure the other is okay. The implosion succeeded.
NINE
However, the ship is now running super fast. The chronometer is actually counting backward.
Time warp!
Reverse power. Helm responding. It is currently three days ago. The formula worked, and we now know how to go back in time. We may risk it someday. Another bridge crew tableau. End. Whew.