ONE
Sunday morning in Bikini Bottom. The three-palm island dissolves to the neighborhood. It’s time for Squidward to practice his clarinet.
TWO
In his house Squid kisses his beloved Clari and opens his porthole window.
Spongebob sleeps. His alarm ticks down to six o’clock.
THREE
As Squid wets his lips and prepares to blow, the fog horn blasts from the pineapple window, knocking the clarinet down Squidward’s throat. Spongebob, looking out his own porthole, shouts, “Good morning!” Squid makes squeaky noises back at him.
FOUR
Removing the clarinet, Squid answers the door. Patrick and Spongebob want to go jellyfishing. He slams the door.
A series of Spongebob asking if Squidward’s ready and him slamming the door.
“Wouldn’t you rather be at work today, Spongebob?” Yes, but it’s Sunday. The Krusty Krab is closed. Ah, Squidward sneaks away while they wait. He’s off to the only quiet place, the KK.
Just as he’s about to blow his clarinet, the duo arrive, looking for him. He hides in the walk-in freezer. When they can’t find him they leave. He’s glad, he’s ready to step out of the freezer. The door’s locked. No problem, he says. Someone will come looking for me.
2000 years later . . .
The door hinge rusts away and Squid falls forward, turned into a block of ice. Spongebob jets by, with two little rocket engines instead of feet. He uses a laser hammer to melt the ice. “Greetings, primitive.” Spongebob, is that you? No, I am Sponge-tron. His eyes go square as he speaks with a robot voice. Welcome to the future.
Squidward notices that the KK is all metallic and shiny. Ah, it’s chrome. Everything is chrome in the future! Even outside the window, all of Bikini Bottom is chrome. An organic plant emerges and a worker boat-drives up and sprays it into chrome. When Squidward turns back, Spongebob has become multiple versions of himself. His clones. Squid retreats into the fetal position. He spasms, saying “Future . . .”
SWITCH
He doesn’t belong here. Somebody do something. All the Spongebobs pull out jellyfishing nets. A two-headed Patrick teleports in, wielding his net. Squidward has to get home, to his own time.
FIVE
Oh, the time machine is down the hall on the left. There goes Squid, running. A grinding noise and he comes back out the door, looking like an apple peel. That was the can opener. Try the one on the right.
It’s a room with carpet and wall paper, and a lever on the wall: future is up, past is down. Squid pulls down on the switch. Sponge-tron in the hallway waves goodbye.
The room breaks away and starts to travel through time and space. It lands in a swamp.
Oh my God. Is this that episode? Wow. I’d completely forgotten the set-up.
It’s a primordial underwater world. Squidward is only excited that he’s alone and can now play his clarinet (which he still carries). A shadow follows him.
There he is. Spongebob with no pants and saber fangs. Oh, yes! Reveal Patrick looking like a gorilla. They make grunting noises and drool. They’re afraid of a very small jellyfish. When Squidward tries to play in peace, they hoot and holler, passing the jellyfish back and forth while it stings them. Squid makes little nets for them out of pieces of their loincloths. (Lol — that sounds worse than it looks.) He shows them how to jellyfish. Heh. All so he can play in peace, which he won’t be able to do in the future because he taught them how to fish in the past.
SIX
When he finally plays the clarinet, Sponge-beast and Pat-ape grab their ears and go berserk.
SEVEN
Running for his life, Squid goes back into the time machine room. He yanks too hard on the lever and breaks it, the future counter spinning crazily.
EIGHT
An entire LSD trip happens while the time machine travels. The room turns into a disappearing line, leaving only a white screen. Squidward walks out from offscreen. All he cares about is that he’s all alone. He almost disappears and freaks out. Jumping up and down in the white space, he finally breaks through into the room and screams he wants to go home. “I even miss Spongebob.”
NINE
The room teleports back outside of his house, where the real Spongebob and Patrick wait. He’s so happy to be back and to see them. They invite him to go jellyfishing, which irritates him. “Who’s the barnacle-head who invented that game?”
“You are.” They laugh and we see the three-palm island. End.
So, it was not Spongegar and Patgar, the episode I was excited to see. The Primitives are funny, too, of course.
The Three/Six in this episode is excellent. Squidward begins the process of playing the clarinet at the Three. Thwarted. He succeeds at the Six. Peel away the futuristic fluff and we have a very simple motivation: a guy just wants to play his music.
However, the Switch is wonky. I’m not even sure I picked the right spot for it. If we put the Switch at the moment Squid freezes and all of reality shifts, we’re too early in the episode. I’ve chosen the point when Squidward begins to use the time machine as the start of the Five. That makes the Four a mish-mosh, though, of reality and fantasy. I don’t like how untidy that is, but I’m not sure of a better place to mark the Switch.