ONE
Heroic gladiator music over the credits is replaced by our friendly uke with a bubble-wipe to the Fry Cook Museum.
In walk Spongebob and Patrick. (He wears a large ballcap and has a camera around his neck.) They ooh and aah at the displays, which are mostly creatures in glass cases wearing chef hats.
And then they arrive at the “ultimate cooking utensil”, the Golden Spatula. Ah. Larry the Lobster climbs a staircase behind the display in order to try — a la Excalibur — to pull the spatula from its bucket of — suds? wash water? mashed potatoes? He fails, and the spatula goes “Sproing.”
(Haha. It’s a bucket of “ancient grease”. While the gladiator music plays.)
TWO
Only a fry cook worthy of King Neptune himself . . . haha. We’re just waiting for it now. Too cute. Spongebob wants a picture next to the spatula, his hand lightly resting on the handle. An old lady fish interrupts Patrick asking for directions. While he drools with uncertainty, Spongebob valiantly offers to help. Pointing the way, he wields the spatula. Schwing! Golden fire surrounds the liberated, upraised tool. A swirly cloud surrounds Spongebob while Patrick, oblivious, still tries to take a picture.
THREE
Lightning. Fish gathering around. A voice from the cloud. Through a break we see a Mount Olympus-style tableau, and Neptune swims down and through. (His voice this time is J. Peterman from Seinfeld. In the movie it’s George Bluth from Arrested Development.)
FOUR
Haha. He’s handsome, with swirly red hair and beard, and cheerful. “Who has freed the spatula from the grease?” Spongebob humbly waves and admits he did.
Neptune laughs. “You are but a lowly yellow sponge.” (Oh, hahaha! The voice work is so fabulous.) “You could never be fry cook to a god.” Spongebob droops with despair. Neptune swims among the crowd, looking for the “true fry cook”. He goes up to the fish vendor with a hot dog cart. (“Ah, a purveyor of food!”) Denying it, the fish points to Spongebob, which sets Neptune laughing again.
Next he goes to Larry, who “has the physique of Atlas”. Hahaha, omg. “Make poses with me!” Neptune says. They do. Then Larry tells him Spongebob pulled the spatula.
Insert a twinkly still frame of Spongebob holding the spatula.
Neptune, thinking everyone’s still joking, gets mad. His trident explodes and all the gathered fish run away. Only Patrick remains. With his “prodigious girth”, lol. He points to Spongebob.
SWITCH
Again Neptune scoffs. “I don’t suppose you have any proof.” Patrick instantly flips out the photo he just took of Spongebob standing on the grease and holding out a glowing spatula.
He still resists. (Spongebob just isn’t glamorous enough, it seems.) A royal fry cook must . . . Neptune makes up tasks, all of which Spongebob can do. Finally, Patrick interrupts with an angry face. “He is the new royal fry cook!”
FIVE
Neptune zaps him, turning him into an x-ray skeleton. He becomes smoking ash and falls over.
Now Spongebob’s angry. “You hurt my friend!” Neptune grabs him mid-rant and holds him up to his face. (By the way, Neptune’s King Kong-sized.) “I will prove your worthlessness!” He threatens a challenge.
“Bring it on,” says the ash pile Patrick. Zap. Skeleton x-ray again.
Now there will be two challenges! The ash pile speaks while Spongebob, still held in Neptune’s fist, tries to quiet him. Zap. Three challenges!
It’s back to one. “You will face me in the Ultimate Cook-off!” Neptune glows and his voice echoes. Cut to a green live-action human fist with a Spongebob animation stuck in it. “I will accept your challenge.”
He asks, though, that Neptune restore his friend. Zap. Patrick’s back, but his eyes and mouth are on his butt. (I laughed, I’m ashamed to admit, lol.)
SIX
Neptune produces a swirly cloud and parts it to show Spongebob what he could win. It’s Tom Kenny in a shower cap. “Oopsy.” He parts the cloud again to show his Greek palace. Oh, it’s Atlantis. You will reside here, cook only for me, and be a god. Patrick’s butt likes the sound of that.
SEVEN
If Spongebob fails, though, he must give up fry cooking forever. His answer? “I’m ready!”
EIGHT
Haha. “To the Poseidome!” It’s a wrestling arena, surrounded by a stadium of fish spectators. Mr. Krabs is the referee. First to cook a thousand patties wins.
After giving Spongebob a pep talk, Krabs runs to the betting window and puts all his money on Neptune.
Patrick’s butt also gives Spongebob a pep talk.
And here’s the bell. Two seahorses swim down with Neptune’s golden apron. Spongebob, intimidated, puts on his KK cap. Neptune flexes, pulling wheat from the fighting mat, and zaps it into buns. Spongebob sets out a bag of buns. Neptune swirls all the vegetables over his head, then calls a school of swordfish to cut them. Spongebob uses his hands like a movie director’s to frame his tomato cut. Neptune piles the vegetables, while Spongebob uses the spatula to cut one perfect, thin slice. Zap, and the burgers are cooked. Spongebob lights a campfire with a stick. Slapping his fish tail on the mat, Neptune assembles the burgers, which rain down around him. The tally counter goes crazy. Close on the burger Spongebob assembles. Two pickles get ketchup smiley faces, and a cheese slice tucks them in. Kiss. Bedtime story.
Neptune has a thousand-burger pyramid. Spongebob has one “perfect” burger. Neptune announces himself the winner, and the fish crowd cheers. Pointing at Spongebob’s nose, Neptune says, “Loser.” He sends the burgers flying into the crowd for everyone to eat. Excited, the fish take one bite and spit it out. Neptune can’t even make himself take a bite. “Okay, mine’s no good.” But his won’t be any better! Pouting, Neptune pops Spongebob’s burger into his mouth and chews.
Angelic choir music.
Haha! It tastes so good he’ll try it a second time. Spit! A perfect burger lands on his palm and he eats it again. The crowd cringes (as did we all). Aw, Neptune concedes and bows to Spongebob. Patrick’s butt and Spongebob cheer and dance. “We’re going to Atlantis!”
Neptune sniggers. Only Spongebob can come. Patrick and Krabs cry and say goodbye. (Although Krabs cries over his lost money, not his lost cook.) Wailing, Spongebob doesn’t want to go. Too late! “I can’t live without your burgers.” Zap. “You’re going to be a god and like it.”
Spongebob is buff with a Roman laurel wreath. He speaks with a reverberating man-voice. “I have another idea.”
NINE
Cut to Patrick’s butt entering the KK. Spongebob greets him from behind the register. Neptune’s in the kitchen, zapping the accursed stove. Firm, Spongebob admonishes his “trainee”. Burgers are made with love.
CRITICAL NOTES
I’m sorry my breakdown is so long, but every beat was so succinct and hilarious. I didn’t feel like any of it would lump together, which is a high compliment. The pacing of the editing is perfect.
No surprises, either. The Enneagram is lovely. Atlantis at the Three/Six! Patrick has a face at the top of his star before the Switch, and in his butt after. Spongebob’s decision at the Seven is forceful and assured. And the Eight, while tapping every possible joke, still manages to hold some suspense. Voice casting and writing — I would say, “Chef’s kiss,” but I hate that phrase and the pun is terrible. Pretend I found another superlative instead.