GHOSTBUSTERS

This review was originally written for my second book, but I didn’t consider the piece good enough to include. I still think about it, though. The franchise has continued to add more content, and I can see myself diving into the extended stories and characters. In honor of Halloween, I post this rejected child.

This is my first time watching Ghostbusters (2016), and it is an astonishingly bad film. I thought maybe people were hating on it because it remade a beloved franchise, but no, it’s genuinely not good. I’ll go over its Enneagram, and then I’ll tell you where it really went off the rails.

ONE

First caveat: I’ve seen Ghostbusters (1984) many times, but I couldn’t recite the specifics of its Enneagram to you without watching it again. I suspect, though, that this movie hits the same highlights as the original. Certainly, its One is similar.

A museum, the Aldridge Mansion, has a ghost appear to the tour guide. We all remember that the original movie begins at the library with an apparition. Introduce the supernatural: check. 

Then we go to campus and meet Erin (Kristen Wiig). She links up with Abby (Melissa McCarthy), with whom she’s been estranged for years, and Abby’s associate Jillian (Kate McKinnon). The three of them go into the Aldridge to investigate the apparition. In the original we meet Bill Murray scamming psychology students; Dan Aykroyd reels him in for the library investigation. Again, we have the character we’re supposed to like best (Wiig/Murray) who’s the voice of skepticism and the long-time friend (McCarthy/Aykroyd) who is the enthusiast. They team up and away we go.

It’s strange. Murray’s Venkman practically begs you to find him repulsive, and yet we’re captured. Wiig’s Erin is much nicer and more sympathetic, but the whole opening is flat.

TWO

In the Mansion, the team encounters the spirit. We saw a ghost! Although these scientists have studied the paranormal, this is their first meet up with one. They’re excited, and their theories now have weight.

Also, battling ghosts will be the bulk of the Eight, so a spirit here is appropriate. This seems to run parallel with the original in which the team finds the library apparition.

THREE

Abby is fired and asked to leave the college where she works. The filmmakers borrowed this directly from the first movie. Getting the team to establish its ghostbusting outside the academic environment is critical to moving the story forward. In the original, our crew is kicked off campus; authority rejects their paranormal credentials.

FOUR

Stuff happens. It really doesn’t matter what, because I can remember none of it. Actually, not much of consequence happens in the original’s Four, either, but I can remember certain moments. Venkman goes to Dana’s apartment. Egon plays with funky equipment. Ray gets his firehouse as the headquarters. Each character has a defining enthusiasm I remember.

This is the fail point in the remake. What intentions are these actors playing? What does each character want more than anything else?

Abby wants to pursue scientific knowledge. This is a clear intention, but because it’s vague it doesn’t prompt comedy or plot development. McCarthy is playing a desire that I can identify, though.

Erin wants . . . to not be known as Ghost Girl. She wants respect, recognition. She wants to be believed. A state of being — to want to be something — is not a playable intention. An actor has to play an action verb: I want to do something. Wiig is committed to her character and her desire, but she has nowhere to go with this want. Writing a plot around this intention is also very clumsy.

Jillian, however, wants nothing. What in the world is McKinnon playing? She’s a science geek and a tech nerd. These are characteristics. She’s weird and a little reckless with her inventions. Again, just traits. What is her intention? What in the plot will thwart her or challenge her? In what way will she achieve her goal? I’ve got zilch.

Patty is in the same boat. Leslie Jones may be playing: I want to stop ghosts from harming people. Her encounter on the subway tracks sends her to join the Ghostbusters, so this would be a logical intention. The writers, though, have given her no path to play it. Beyond a couple of one-liners she has no role. Her sole purpose is to bring the ride.

Paul Feig and Katie Dippold, writers of Spy and The Heat, respectively, have shown they can make great comedy. McCarthy is given excellent, playable intentions that impact the plot in both those films. Why did they leave her out to dry here?

SWITCH

The team goes to warn the Mayor, who then tells them to back off. They will be called fakes and hoaxers if they continue. Let the professionals handle this.

I’d guess that, again, the original Ghostbusters has a similar structure.

FIVE

The first movie is beloved because the characters have such strong, strange intentions. Ray wants to catch ghosts. He wants it so badly, and so cheerfully, that he’s like Spongebob with a butterfly net in Jellyfish Fields. 

Egon wants to stop the world from ending in a cataclysmic paranormal eruption. He is hilarious because his want is ridiculously huge and he plays it with such devotion. Ray and Egon invent crazy machines because of their wants. They endanger the world because of their wants. All of their humor begins with specific intentions. 

Ernie Hudson’s Winston wants to cash a paycheck. His very mundane intention is funny as a contrast to the grandiose intentions of the other Ghostbusters. Beneath that, though, he’s also a man of faith who wants to know what the ghosts mean from a moral perspective. He brings up the Biblical aspect and the possible motivations of the antagonist. 

And Peter Venkman wants to score chicks. If he gets to mess with people’s heads along the way, then he’s in heaven. The genius of Bill Murray is that he plays despicable characters in a way that charms us. All the writers have to do is make his grubby little intentions key to the plot. 

The ghosts are gravy. It’s these people and their desires that drive our love for this silly story.

(It’s been two years since I originally wrote this review and I can tell you nothing about specific scenes in the Ghostbusters remake. I remember no moments or character details, no funny bits.)

SIX

The mayor has had enough. Under false premises, the team is arrested. Is this a parallel match to the original? At the Six, aren’t our heroes called in to help? The mayor recognizes their credentials, such as they are, and asks them to save the city. If I’m remembering correctly, this change indicates a large flaw in the remake. At the Three, the crew is discredited. They need to be valued at the Six.

SEVEN

We have no decision. No character has enough of a drive to make one.

EIGHT

The final battle against the army of ghosts is just a wash of CGI figures. Without character intentions, we have mush. The giant spirit that is the equivalent of the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man has none of his charisma because the enthusiastic, childlike wishes of Ray have no equivalent here.

Also, just to kick a dog when he’s down, the Rules of the Magic are nonexistent. Technobabble and pseudoscience are thrown at us with no grounding we can grab. In the original, someone — Peter, Winston, Janine — was always asking Ray and Egon to explain their crazy speak. Here, everyone’s smart and no one represents the dumb audience. When they do try to bring us up to speed — ley lines! — concepts are introduced out of the blue and disappear just as quickly. I haven’t even mentioned the villain Rowan because I have no idea what purpose he serves. He’s a confusing cross between pure evil and pasty-skinned loser. The Rules of how he operates and what restricts him are unexplained.

NINE

The team succeeds. The movie ends.

CRITICAL NOTES

This is a comedy, so city folk running through the streets chased by ghosts is not really conflict. It’s just schtick.

Let’s look at Dana and Louis, though, from the original. They’re turned into dogs. Magical transformations in a supernatural story are expected. When they’re dogs, though, they must act against their own wishes. Dana, a respectable cellist, must pant and chase after her neighbor she’s avoided for years. Louis, a nerdy accountant, must turn wild and destroy property. It’s almost like a mental illness: when under the influence of the disease people do things they abhor. This story uses conflict that impacts even the secondary characters.

And let’s take the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. He’s created because Ray is trying so hard to think of the nicest thing he can. It’s hilarious, obviously, but it originates in Ray’s desire to diminish the destruction. 

I’m sorry, but I honestly can’t remember what the new Ghostbusters fight looks like.

The actors in this remake are just as creative and funny as the actors in the original. For some reason, the movie didn’t utilize their comedic talent. I’m blaming it on a plot that didn’t begin with the characters’ intentions, but I don’t actually know. I’ve also guessed, relying on my memory of the original, that the Enneagram is bungled at the Six. Imagine if Wiig’s character, someone who wants to move beyond her childhood embarrassments, is lauded by the city for her ghost hunting skills. The Seven and Eight would have a focus and a sense of accomplishment. Those would be the places I would start if I were in charge of rebuilding this movie.