Happy Ship Weekend! As I’ve mentioned elsewhere, our personal family holiday originated when the Pirates of the Caribbean movies released annually on Memorial Day weekend. Before each new installment, we would watch the previous film to build enthusiasm. Eventually we branched out to other tall ship stories. When we included Disney’s Treasure Planet, it seemed appropriate to diversify into a wider definition of ships. Now Ship Weekend includes air ships, space ships, and fishing boats. If we’re in the mood we’ll stretch the definition all the way down to the tiniest ship possible, the surfboard. The best movies combine our ship holiday with the official memorial for the fallen. Battleship and submarine stories are wonderful. However, the grandaddy is Master and Commander. It’s a near-perfect film. Maybe next year I’ll take a look at it. Until then, I have a holiday-appropriate Story Enneagram review that’s been sitting in my completed folder for a while.
ONE
Heroic music and a television’s aspect ratio introduce a show called “Galaxy Quest.” A clip from an episode plays, showing us the crew and tone. Catch phrases are spoken. “Activate the Omega-13”, with dramatic music, transitions into a “to be continued” screen.
We’re at a fan convention. Cosplayers applaud. An enthusiastic host (Guy) prepares to announce the actors from the show.
Cut to the green room where, in costume, they all wait. Everyone except the Commander. As they complain, we meet their characters. These actors have had this very conversation innumerable times. When Jason finally enters, everyone’s dislike of him is evident.
Meanwhile, the host begins to announce them to the crowd. Gwen played the computer translator, and Alexander played the alien scientist with his beloved (by everyone but him) line, “By Grabthar’s Hammer, you shall be avenged.” The pilot, Tommy, was a child on the show, and Fred, an easygoing, zen person, was the engineer. When Jason’s introduced, the crowd goes wild. He eats it up.
They sign autographs for lines of fans, Jason at his own table. Guy, who was an extra on one of the episodes, invites himself to squeeze in and sign, too. Four extremely geeky teen fans approach Jason with a question, but he doesn’t notice as he moves toward Gwen. He thinks they have romantic potential and she shuts him down.
TWO
As he follows her, four other geeky people, “Thermians from the Klatu Nebula,” approach him. He thinks they’ve arranged a gig with him for tomorrow. He insists on a limo and walks away. The Thermians react in an a way that indicates they’re aliens (and endearing).
Rejected by Gwen, Jason heads into a bathroom stall and overhears two dudes who laugh about the convention’s nerdiness and how Jason can’t see how much his crew can’t stand him. It’s a revelation to Jason.
THREE
Back at his autograph table, Jason signs by rote. All his prior enthusiasm and role-playing are gone. The four teens approach again, talking as if the ship engineering is real. Rudely, he tells them it’s just a show. He curses and yells, pushing away from them.
FOUR
Gwen and Alexander, in their apartments, talk on the phone about Jason’s uncharacteristic behavior. (Hilariously, Alexander still wears his prosthetic headpiece.) At his beautiful, Hollywood hills home, Jason drinks alone. Channel surfing, he comes upon his own show and quotes his lines. “Never give up, never surrender.”
Dissolve to morning at his house. Passed out under his coffee table, Jason wakes to the Thermians gently knocking on his sliding glass door. He answers, fighting the hangover, and the Thermian leader (Mathesar) makes his plea. Because they have “secured a limousine” Jason assumes they’re one of his gigs and goes with them.
He falls asleep while they explain their history. The limo transports, and Jason wakes on their ship without realizing it. Laliari wants him to negotiate for them with the villain Sarris, which Jason interprets as a cosplay scene he’s to act. When Sarris, on the communication screen, demands the Omega-13, Jason yawns. He orders all weapons to fire and prepares to leave.
Handing him an interstellar vox, a communicator, Mathesar thanks him. A goo field encases Jason and transports him, screaming, through a worm hole and back to his own poolside yard.
Cut to a small gathering outside a Tech Value store. The crew is there to open a new branch. Alexander, when forced, squeezes out, “By Grabthar’s Hammer, what a savings.” In the parking garage, Jason, holding the Thermian communicator, runs into the four geek teens in cosplay, knocking down the leader, Brandon. Real and fake communicators are accidentally switched. Ignoring them, Jason heads for the crew. He interrupts their autograph line to tell them of his voyage. They roll their eyes at his antics, but the Thermians arrive and ask for Jason to return. Sarris lives.
Jason invites the crew to come with him. Insulted, they storm away until Chen says they should’ve taken the gig. A job? Everyone jumps out of the van and insists on “going to the ship”, too. All of them, including Guy, become encased in goo. When they land in the ship, all quiver in terror, except for Chen. Given a tour, they meet Mathesar, who speaks reverently to them.
The “Galaxy Quest” TV shows were seen on his planet, but they’re considered real. Historical documents. The entire ship is built according to what they gleaned from the episodes. Looking out the starport window, they see a real version of their ship, The Protector.
(Gwen argues that they should all go home, but Jason is so excited to be in space having an adventure. Partly, he doesn’t recognize the potential danger, but mostly he just loves the newness and the exploration. He thrills at the unknown. And he likes the acting challenge.)
On the bridge the crew take their positions. Tommy, whose pilot controls were designed based on his motions during the show, is told to “take her out”. (Alexander and Gwen share a worried look.)
Over lunch (where Alexander is served a dish of bugs that his character would eat), the crew learn that Sarris is genocidal, has destroyed the Thermian homeworld, and has tortured the former commander to learn about the Omega-13 device.
Cut to the crew dashing toward the exit.
They can’t leave, though, because Sarris is here. On the command deck, the crew learn that the Thermians don’t actually operate any of the bridge controls. It’s up to them to negotiate and react. Sarris bombs them. (Actors tossing themselves about the set ensue. Yay!) Tommy hits the turbo boost, allowing them to escape into a mine field. On the far side The Protector drifts, but everyone inside is safe.
SWITCH
With Gwen translating for the computer, the crew learns they need another beryllium sphere to power the ship. Mathesar wants to take the blame for their failure. He’s seen them victorious so many times. Gwen wonders if their culture has TV or theater. “Surely, you don’t think that Gilligan’s Island is historical . . . “ The Thermians wilt from the tragedy of those poor, stranded people. They have only recently become aware, through Sarris, that lies or deception even exist. Mathesar laughs at the notion that the crew could have a trait in common with Sarris.
FIVE
A beryllium sphere is available on a nearby planet. The crew will take a shuttle down to retrieve it. On the way to the docking bay, Quellek tells “Dr. Lazarus” how he’s lived according to the (make-believe) culture’s principles. “By Grabthar’s Hammer,” he begins with zest. Alexander stops him immediately.
On the ride down, Guy freaks out. (His role on the show was the classic Star Trek red shirt trope. He didn’t live long into the episode.) Will he die because he was left behind on the ship, or will he die from a monster on the away mission?
The planet surface is arid with many rocks. Following the tricorder-thing the Thermians gave them, the crew come upon a mining facility with beryllium spheres out in the open. They suddenly need to hide, though, when child-sized aliens come out of the entrance. Gwen, thinking they’re cute, steps from behind the wall. Guy grabs her back, saying, “Did you guys ever watch the show!” Teeth come out and the sweet aliens attack an injured one. “Let’s get out of here before one of those things kills Guy!” Gwen says.
The team splits up: some going for the sphere, others as look-out. Jason dive-rolls into the mining compound. Four of them push the sphere toward the ship while Tommy and Guy, seeing something, run toward them. The aliens are everywhere. The team pushes faster. They all make it safely into the shuttle except for Jason.
Jason comes-to when a pig creature licks him. He’s in some kind of natural arena; the child-aliens cheer above him. Meanwhile, the team contacts him from the transporter room. (The digital conveyer room. Same idea.) Teb says the unit has never been successfully tested, but now that Tech Sgt. Chen is here — it was designed watching his movements — it will work. Fred doesn’t like that, but they put him on the controls and tell him to bring up the pig as a test.
The pig materializes inside out.
Even without the pig, the aliens are still excited, yelling, “Rock!” A large creature made of boulders forms behind Jason. Running, he yells, “Digitize me!” Fred balks. As Jason tries to convince him, Laliari walks in and smiles at Fred. He does it. Successfully.
The beryllium sphere is installed and the ship has full power. Jason is ready to go home, and the Thermians can do the same.
Except they have no home. Their whole race is on the ship. And then Sarris and his guard walk through the door.
They’re all dragged to the med bay where Mathesar is strapped to a table. Jason intervenes, and Sarris demands to know what the Omega-13 does. Jason doesn’t know. Sarris doesn’t believe him and tortures Mathesar. When Jason still can’t answer, Sarris gives the order to grab Gwen. Jason must admit he’s not the commander. He shows Sarris the “historical documents”. Laughing, Sarris immediately understands. “Explain to him who you all really are.” Jason tries, but it’s not something Mathesar can conceive. “Explain,” Sarris says, “as you would a child.” When Jason says, “We lied,” Mathesar is devastated.
Sarris orders a reactor core overload and that the Thermians be denied air. Our crew is to be released into space.
Over, the computer counts down from ten minutes. Jason, dragged toward the space door, has an idea. Calling Alexander a “scene-stealing hack,” he fake fights with him, as they did in “episode 17.” They hit the guards for real as they swing, lock them in the port, and space them. They then notice that the Thermians, confined to the barracks, are suffocating.
The core overload countdown has seven minutes, and the computer is unable to follow Gwen’s orders and stop it. Jason has a plan. He and Gwen will shutdown the core, Alexander will try to prop the barracks open, Fred with Guy and Laliari will get air to the Thermians, and Tommy will practice driving the ship.
Gwen objects that they don’t know how to shutdown a neutron reactor. Jason pulls the communicator from his pocket and says, “I know someone who does.”
SIX
Cut to Brandon’s house. At his desk, Brandon hears the beep and answers Jason’s call. When Brandon tries to explain that he’s not a head case and he knows it’s just a TV show, Jason interrupts with, “It’s all real.”
SEVEN
Jason asks for his help and Brandon, yelling, “I knew it!” dives right in.
EIGHT
Intercut each adventure. Alexander runs into Quellek and they team up. Brandon consults his friends and their engineering schematics to lead Jason and Gwen to the core. Fred and team defeat Sarris’ guards in the control room. Tommy watches old episodes of the show.
Jason and Gwen end up in the containment chamber for the Omega-13. He asks Brandon what it does. It might be a matter collapser that destroys the universe within 13 seconds, or it could be a matter rearranger that gives a 13 second time jump to the past.
As Alexander and Quellek celebrate the repressurized barracks with the Thermians, Quellek is shot. In the tragic moment, Alexander willingly and forcefully recites his phrase, “By Grabthar’s Hammer . . . “
With all problems solved, the team meets up on the bridge. They have a confident and heroic attitude now. (Guy is at weapons.) They defeat Sarris’ ship in a final battle. As it explodes, Sarris runs for his transporter controls.
The team cheers. Mathesar, using a leg brace, comes onto the bridge laughing. He and the other Thermians think Jason made up the story of being actors to deceive Sarris. All is good. Tommy takes the ship into the black hole that leads to home.
On the other side, Alexander notes that Sarris’ ship had an energy surge before the black hole trip. Fred comes on deck and points a gun. Smiling, Fred shoots Jason. Slow motion as Fred transforms into Sarris and wipes out the entire bridge. Earth grows larger in the view screen. Crawling, Jason calls out to activate the Omega-13. Jason pushes the button.
Time slides backward to the point when they exited the black hole. Jason is the only one to know. He meets Fred as he comes through the door and punches him. Everyone yells, thinking he’s crazy. Sarris transforms as the others restrain Jason. Mathesar takes Sarris out with his leg crutch. “Never give up, never surrender.”
Immediately, Tommy starts warning that the ship is coming in too hot. Mathesar knows they need to separate the ship, and leads his people to the secondary deck. They say goodbye and call for Fred to join them. Laliari comes with him.
NINE
As the separated ship starts to enter atmosphere, we cut to Brandon’s house. Carrying an armload of fireworks, he runs past his parents. “Well, he’s outside,” mom says.
Brandon and his friends guide the ship to the parking lot for the Galaxy Quest convention. It bounces, taking out cars, and crashes through the building’s wall. Inside, fans dodge and scream. The ship’s door vents and opens. Coughing, Tommy steps out, confused.
Fans cheer and the host announces him. As the others exit, stunned, the host continues. Close-up of Sarris’ eye opening. Jason steps out last and hugs the others. Then Sarris steps out, holding his gun. Jason rolls and shoots, evaporating Sarris. The crowd goes wild. Jason kisses Gwen, bows to Brandon’s group, and then calls all the cast forward to share the cheering with him.
Dissolve to “Galaxy Quest: the Journey Continues.” Roll credits for the TV show, which include everyone, even Guy and Laliari. Roll real credits.
CRITICAL NOTES
As many times as I’ve seen this movie, I was completely surprised to discover the Three/Six mirror. It’s really beautiful. I’m also a huge fan of the Switch. In the Four the team is somewhat having a lark. Or, the whole reality is too ridiculous to take seriously. Then they learn that, for the Thermians, their acting and their show are meaningful. These are genuinely nice people, utter innocents, who need our team to be who they pretend to be. In the Five, this results in great team-building. It’s a lovely set-up for the structure.