VAN HELSING, NINE

I refer, of course, to the Van Helsing played by Hugh Jackman in the eponymous movie. I love this version of the classic monster tales!

He is brave, of course. He hunts the worst creatures and slays them under the imprimatur of the Church. Physically difficult and spiritually difficult. This is a high action movie, so the stunts are big and the character is daring. Must we immediately decide that he’s a Body Type?

He’s a Nine. Of course. He’s a superhero, after all. Also, he really doesn’t want to engage in emotional conflict. Kill the demons, bless their remains, and move on to the next one. His own personal biography is something he tries to avoid.

Cool, disconnected, physically capable. As a Nine, he would also be a good judge. Fair and impartial. If you’re going to kill a hell-damned abomination, you want to get the judgment right.

For the more traditional Dracula story (with its briefly seen Van Helsing), I really couldn’t think of an angle. Bela Lugosi, Gary Oldman, Frank Langella, Christopher Lee — all great vampire portrayers, but I didn’t want to write about any of them. Another time, perhaps.

REEF BLOWER

ONE

Squidward steps out his door and admires his sparkly clean yard.

TWO

Aha! A rogue seashell mars the sand. It seems kind of pretty to me — an added feature like a lawn ornament — but clearly it’s considered a fallen leaf. 

THREE

Squid, in a classic move, kicks the shell into Spongebob’s sparkly yard. Be careful what you set in motion at the Three, dear children.

FOUR

Immediately noticing the offending shell/leaf, Spongebob loads on his blower and starts it up. Squidward, relaxing in a hammock, frowns at the noise and puts in earplugs.

The shell, which has the aerodynamics of a leaf, won’t blow away. Chasing it, Spongebob ends up blowing sand all over Squidward’s lunch. 

SWITCH

Blowing hasn’t worked, so Spongebob flips the machine to suck.

FIVE

As Spongebob sucks up the sand, the blower revolts and spits out the load. Spongebob puts it back in. He will not be defeated! Using a very long cord pull, Spongebob starts a monster-sized suck and vacuums up the entire ocean. Squidward gasps for “air” and the blower pulses with its huge load.

It pops. Back comes the ocean. Sand piles are dumped everywhere.

SIX

Except for Spongebob’s yard, which is again sparkly clean.

SEVEN

Spongebob dusts his hands and goes into his pineapple. He’s done and his mission is accomplished.

EIGHT

All the piled sand is in Squidward’s yard, burying him up to the head. Punchline one.

The shell floats down and lands on his nose. Punchline two.

NINE

I considered if the shell was the Nine — Squidward is back where he started and nothing in his world has changed for the better — but ultimately decided it was an Eight. The shell is the Two-Trouble, so it makes more sense for it to reoccur and reflect back at the Eight.

The implied Nine, though, is just as effective.

Cormorant’s Lament

3″ x 3″ on wallboard.

Listen at bandcamp.

Settled as a governess at Thornfield, Jane has no reason to be dissatisfied, yet she can’t help but feel restless.

(JANE)
PRETTY SAIL A’SEA
BEWARE THE SURGE,
THE BLOW, THE SWELL,
THE CRASH, THE PURGE,
FOR ALL’S NOT WELL
AS THE STORM FINDS THEE.

WHEN THE MAST DOTH BREAK
THE FAIR ONE’S LOST:
AN ARM, A SHOE,
A BRACELET TOSSED,
A CORPSE ASKEW,
AS SHE RIDES THE WAKE.

AND THE BIRD WILL BLIGHT
WHAT WON’T SUBMERGE —
A CROAKING LOUD
YOUR ONLY DIRGE,
A WING YOUR SHROUD
AS YOUR SOUL TAKES FLIGHT

KAHN’S ELIZABETH, FIVE

Victor Frankenstein’s girl — fiancee, cousin, whatever she’s called — is a non-entity. She’s fridged! She basically dies so that Victor can feel something. Her arc is incidental.

Frederick’s girl is a whole ‘nother matter. Go Madeline!

She’s fussy. “Taffeta, darling.” Precise, prissy. Appearances, order, decorum, are all important to her. Partly she’s portrayed as uptight because it gives her an arc, a very funny one. Also, she represents society and civilization to Frederick. His arc is to leave all that behind and embrace his wild ancestor side. Although her character is stylized as a comedic tool, Kahn crafts all this into a true portrayal. 

Like Frederick, she also is set free by the end: she loves the Monster. He, reversing our expectations, becomes civilized. This Elizabeth has it all. Order, social appearance, dignity on the outside. Passion on the inside.

The Monster, with half of Frederick’s brain, becomes the Seven that can live in society without losing his wildness. (Frederick becomes a Seven who lives in the wild while holding onto some semblance of society.) This is the version of the man that suits Elizabeth best.

Passion on the quiet, dignity on the outside? Five.

FREDERICK FRANKENSTEIN, SEVEN

That’s Frankensteen.

In the Young Frankenstein story, Frederick is Victor’s great-grandson. He is the creator, the protagonist — like Victor — but he’s also a separate character with a different Enneagram. Possibly. What do we know?

He’s actually kind. He loves his Monster. (“This is a good boy! This is a mother’s angel!”) Everything frustrating about the original story — why won’t Victor show compassion toward his creation? — is addressed here. Love begets love. This Frankenstein taps into that.

He’s worried about the world’s opinion, at least for a while. Once his curiosity is engaged, he tosses that concern aside. And when he’s in, he’s all in. He solves the problem! Not only does he bring the Monster to life, he integrates him into society.

The castle, Frau Bluecher, Inga — Igor! — all the oddities, are nothing to him. Strange events come at him and he rolls with it. Accepting of all the weirdness the moment brings? Willing to try obscure paths? Non-judgmental of the loons around him? Seven.

THE MONSTER, FOUR

Again, we have split between the original Monster and the Young Frankenstein version. All iterations of the Monster have a sympathetic tendency, but the comedic one has almost no threat in him. Boris Karloff’s Monster is beloved because it can terrify. He pushes that little girl down the well!

Can a being brought to life by man have a soul? He can certainly have an Enneagram number.

The problem is the amount of versions. Some of the Monsters are deeply emotional, hurt, lonely and abandoned. Some are more brutish. Isn’t there always, to one degree or another, a level of envy? Because he’s given life and then rejected by his creator, the Monster is jealous of a relationship that other humans have naturally. When he realizes how he’s been cheated of this by Victor he becomes bitter and violent.

His lows are so very low. I want to say Four. This story is so poignant, so eternal, because the Monster expresses so much emotional pain. He has much to give, and yet he never has the chance to share and express it. Another number wouldn’t rock us with this heartache.

The Monster in Young Frankenstein is more a comedic tool than a character. He doesn’t arc, he just changes due to an operation. He doesn’t really speak. I don’t consider him to have an Enneagram. He’s a great foil for Wilder and Kahn, and is portrayed brilliantly by Boyle, but he’s a punch line rather than a person.

HELP WANTED

ONE

The first episode of Spongebob Squarepants! The French-accented narrator introduces us to the sea, Bikini Bottom, and the pineapple home of Spongebob. It’s all so familiar now, but I can still imagine that moment when all this was new.

TWO

Spongebob’s underwater alarm clock rings like a foghorn. Whatever the day holds for this new character, it’s Trouble.

THREE

Here’s Spongebob in bed, waking up. Normally this wouldn’t be Three-worthy, but it’s our first time seeing him. Our hero!

FOUR

Gary the Snail, Patrick under his rock, the neighborhood street — all are introduced. Spongebob lifts teddy bear weights with difficulty, showing us a lot about his character. When he’s done the teddies float through the water and down to the ground, reiterating the rules of the world.

The Krusty Krab has a Help Wanted sign in the window. We meet Squidward and Mr. Krabs, and learn that to work at the KK is Spongebob’s dream. With a little boosting from Patrick, he goes in.

SWITCH

When Spongebob enters, he trips over a nail in the floor and goes through a cartoon slapstick rigamarole. Squidward and Mr. Krabs watch. It’s an exaggeration of every nightmare we’ve all had when applying for a new job. Will we be accepted?

FIVE

In order to be hired, Spongebob must pass a test. Mr. Krabs tells him to fetch a hydrodynamic spatula, something seemingly impossible. On the one hand, this is very Five: the team cannot assemble until all members have proven themselves. On the other hand, we learn that Mr. Krabs can be unfair and that Squidward will forever set himself against Spongebob. Classic character establishment for a series.

While Spongebob is gone shopping, busloads of Anchovies come to the KK and overwhelm the register. They’re like a wave, sending Mr. Krabs and Squidward up the restaurant’s mast. Things look bad.

SIX

Spongebob lowers himself by whirling spatula power to save the day. At the Three we see an unknown quantity: who is our protagonist? Here we see fulfillment. Oh! He’s a good-natured, resourceful underdog who happily bails out his friends.

SEVEN

“To the kitchen!” We never doubted Spongebob, but he officially decides to help.

EIGHT

Cue the surf music! Cooking and dancing, like a Busby Berkeley musical number, Spongebob feeds all the Anchovies and they leave. Mr. Krabs has an immense bag of money, which makes him content. You’re hired, and three cheers for Spongebob, much to Squidward’s dismay.

NINE

Patrick enters and orders a Krabby Patty. Ah, the future of the series! Spongebob makes dozens of burgers, Squidward complains, and Mr. Krabs doesn’t care. Sweet first episode. Everything that we know and love is already there.

VICTOR FRANKENSTEIN, SIX

It’s funny to me that when I think of Frankenstein and its characters I go first to Mel Brooks’ comedic take, Young Frankenstein. The novel, the Boris Karloff movie, even later versions such as Kenneth Branagh’s, are secondary in my memory.

And so, in this post, I will try to isolate the original character, Victor. His hubris is one of the main themes. The advances of science mattered more than moral considerations. He is the protagonist, his is the arc, and he falls hard along the way.

What Enneagram number does that make him? First, I would say not a Heart Type. The story is particularly cruel regarding his treatment of the Monster. God the Father loves us, no matter what. Victor the Father cannot love his creation, even though he should. This is a heartless act.

He pursues the Monster to the ends of the earth, dying in an ice-bound ship. What number has the dedication, the fanaticism, to go to these limits? Ah. What about a Six? Their sense of right and wrong, white and black, will carry them through many trials. It’s also what got Victor in trouble in the first place. Once he’d convinced himself he had an obligation to dig up dead bodies and stitch them together, moral qualms were ignored. His sense of duty carries him all the way to the end and requires he tell his story to the narrator, no matter how embarrassing or ugly for himself.

LOTSO, THREE

Like Prospector, Lotso is a villain because his toy life was thwarted. Remind me. He was accidentally left behind, right? And then replaced by the parents.

Ah, the cruelty of toy life. You’re one of a million versions of yourself, and yet you are supposed to be special and unique to your child. If you haven’t suffered enough wear and tear that identifies you, how will anybody know you’re their one of a kind? 

Lotso is truly mean. He lies to Big Baby in order to deny him a reunion and keep him from having what Lotso can’t have. He runs the daycare like a tyrant, including using new arrivals as fodder. He’s portrayed like a sweet-smelling mafia don. And he’s an accomplished liar.

Again, let’s pretend that the creators had some subconscious sense of the Enneagram physique. Lotso, therefore, can’t be a One, Four, Five, or Six. He’s too burly. I refuse to call him a Two. Prospector has cornered the market on that portrayal. He’s too sedentary to be an Eight or Nine. Three or Seven?

Three. The evil kind. That touch of envy, of not having the toy life he deserved, is the key.

Also, no Seven would ever sit still long enough to be named Lots-O’-Huggin’.

UPDATE 7/8/2021:

After watching this again, I really must complain about Lotso. He’s the downfall, the reason Toy Story 3 is not as great as the first two. What is Lotso’s motivation, what does he want? The Prospector is such a wonderful villain. He wants a family, he wants the love and camaraderie he was denied as a toy. Tokyo is that chance for him, and he fights for it.

Lotso, though, wants . . . power? Domination? He was lost, and then replaced. What emotion does that history motivate? Envy of toys who had owners for years, yes. A place from which he can never be abandoned again, yes. How does that all translate into his actions in the daycare, though? The first question any actor asks, and any writer needs to ask about a character, is: What do I/they want? The answer must be playable, and it must be a strong foundation for the plot. Woody and the gang are crystal clear, which is why this is still a very good movie. But it’s not great, and that failure lies with Lotso.