MARGE SIMPSON, NINE

Marge is a bit of a mystery. I’m not immediately sure of her Enneagram number.

She’s not ambitious. Her family, their safety and comfort, are enough for her.

She’s lovingly married to a very ineligible man. He definitely married up, and he would be the first to say so.

Her hair is big. I know that’s just an animator’s representation on the one hand, a defining characteristic that makes her easier to draw, but it’s also a comment about her personality. The creator saw Marge as bold, out-of-step, a bit of an iconoclast. Her hair is BIG.

She’s no-nonsense and brave when her chicks are in danger. Marge’s world seems pretty straight forward. Family, safety and comfort. Her wild-child son and her large-brained daughter are of equal worth to her.

She’s a Nine. Peace is everything. Conflict must be avoided. Public displays of outrageous behavior, or extraordinary achievement, or large blue hair are all the same. She really doesn’t care about seeking or avoiding attention, as long as life rides on an even keel. That’s the Nine Woman style. Accept, support, and love.

HOMER SIMPSON, TWO

Homer is not a thinking man. If we want to know his Enneagram number, I think we can safely rule out any of the Head Types.

And yet he has such a love of the carnal, as a Seven would. Food, sloth, fun. The gyroscope of the world holds no interest for him, though. Not a Seven.

Well, then, a Body Type. To take such pleasure in digestion, to the workings of the body, suggests an Eight or Nine. (Not a One. Heavens, no.) He doesn’t seem aggressive enough to be an Eight. Homer is content to ride along on the wave of comfort. Very Nine-ish. But, boy oh boy, is he no diplomat or community leader. Not very Nine-ish.

Not a Three or Four. He’s not fastidious enough for either number.

A Two? He actually has a good heart for his family. In his comic strip/animation way, he’s a loving father and husband. Twos also take pleasure in the community of eating and entertaining. It doesn’t come from lust or laziness. A party is how people relax with each other.

Also, a Two’s oldest child could very well be an Eight, as Bart is. It’s the strength/weakness move again.

There’s something strangely lovable about Homer. He accessible. A Two.

HOLLY GENNERO, THREE

Practical, cool-headed, a manager. Although she’s in an action movie, Holly doesn’t engage in hijinks or stunts. She’s the calm rock for her work colleagues and a steely negotiator. When Hans asks her, “Who put you in charge?” she comes right back with, “You did when you killed my boss.”

My mind immediately jumps to the Enneagram Three. Those indomitable nerves are basic for Three Women. So is the take-charge attitude that doesn’t feel pushy to her colleagues. Everyone likes her.

Even her separation from John is Three-like. Threes are so driven to accomplish, and it’s so effortless for them to do a lot, that her determination to pursue her career makes sense. She doesn’t really have a problem with John; their marriage is not in trouble because of emotional differences. They just disagree about where they’ll live and whose career will take precedence in deciding that.

She’s quite an exciting and unique character to find in an action flick. Also, which makes my OCD very happy, the casting of Bonnie Bedelia is excellent. Her build is very Three-like and her take on Holly rings true for her Enneagram number.

JOHN McCLANE, ONE

He’s That Guy. If you’ve read my book you know I have great respect for “That Guy”. And you’ll know I believe we can all be “That Guy” in our lives and in the characters we create. It’s a wonderful hero trope.

But who specifically is McClane?

He’s loyal. When Holly relocates to Los Angeles he doesn’t dump her and move on. He’s also stubborn. When Holly relocates he doesn’t move with her. He has a job that is his identity, something he won’t leave behind.

He likes being a cop and believes in it. He’s a law and order guy. Rules. 

He has a sort of world-weary pessimism. He’s an Energizer bunny who won’t quit. These are very Six, but isn’t McClane a Body Type? Action hero does action things, like tie himself to a fire hose and jump off the roof. Is he a Nine living in his weakness trait?

Wait, think. If you think you’re looking at a Six but they have a more physical approach to the world, you’re probably actually seeing a One. Bruce Willis doesn’t have a One’s lean, wiry appearance, so he’s tricked me into guessing other numbers. How wonderfully fascinating, though! A One.

It’s the Energizer bunny clue that gives it away. His One wit takes a darker turn — “Come out to the coast, we’ll get together, have a few laughs” — but it’s there. This was a good discovery. I’m surprised!

ELIZABETH BENNET, SIX

One of the greatest heroines ever created. She is flawed, which gives her a chance to arc. Because she assumes that Mr. Darcy is the flawed one, the plot also goes through a nice reversal, allowing Elizabeth to change and grow even more. Many film portrayals of Lizzie exist.

Trying to decide her Enneagram number, though, might be tricky. She’s an odd mix. First, she loves Jane unreservedly. She is loyal to her other sisters, but not always kind. She’s quite judgmental of her dear friend Charlotte. And she absolutely rips into Darcy. There’s a mash-up of stinginess and generosity, scorn and humility. Pride and prejudice, of course, and none of us is sure which noun fits which character better at any given time.

Her willingness to judge, followed by her loyalty when she sets her mind to it, suggests a Six. Certainly she’s no Heart Type. As perfect a creature as Jane would drive Elizabeth to envy if she were.

She does like a walk, though. She’s refreshed and rejuvenated by the activity. Nature can beguile anyone, but does this mean she’s a Body Type? She’s never portrayed as a small, energetic woman, although a One is quite possibly a match with her other characteristics. Her wit is also persuasive as a One trait.

When I recorded my read-aloud of “Pride and Prejudice” I characterized in my mind Elizabeth as a Six. Darcy seems so Five-ish (which is how I read him) that the Head Type conflict felt right to me.

And what if she’s an Eight, or a Seven? Any of these choices by an actor/director could work and become interesting. I would watch any of these versions.

The key, I think, is how set Elizabeth’s mind is and how deeply humiliated she is to learn she’s been completely wrong. Shame. I’m going to stick by my diagnosis of a Six because of this. I don’t know if any other Enneagram number would be so wrenched by error, and yet so willing to admit it and correct course.