CARL, TWO

He’s a friar. Bookish, ivory tower-dwelling, into research and experimentation but not real world application of his knowledge. Of course, in a hallmark of great storytelling, Carl must leave his comfort zone. “I want to return to my laboratory” would be a perfectly good action phrase for Carl to play. A lot of thwarting makes for exciting drama.

Out in the world, though, he doesn’t shirk. He’s a good teammate with untapped bravery. So, what number is he?

I want to lean away from Body Type. He’s not athletic. He’s a sympathetic fellow towards others, and he loves his inventions. Two? He’s also kind of ambivalent about his religious vocation. If he’s a Head Type it’s not as a Five or Six. He may have stumbled into the job as a Seven — he certainly has a lot of fun in his lab — but he seems a little too timid for that. A Seven would jump at the chance to ride with Van Helsing.

Two it is. Carl is a kind heart, but he’s not fastidious about rules. And he loves the gadgets.

FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER, NINE

This is specifically the version of the Monster in Van Helsing. I’m trying to remember. He’s barely “born”, right? The Doctor is killed, villagers come with torches, and the Monster falls into the flaming windmill. I don’t think he has a chance to be mistreated by his creator.

However, he is co-opted into Dracula’s scheme, and he resists. This Monster seems to instantly know right from wrong, justice from injustice. He does not want to be used to power the vampire babies.

The traditional Monster is a Four. Feelings seem to go with the territory of this character. I want to say Nine, though, for this Monster. It’s the justice. Also, he’s very conscious of his size and strength. He can unleash his power, but he chooses to control it.

He’s actually a very sweetly written/acted Nine. He has a touch of Six in him (his weakness number) that gives him a tenderness and sympathy.

TEA AT THE TREEDOME

It’s one of the best Spongebob episodes ever! When in doubt, pinkie out! As the third part of Episode One, this story is the longest and conveys a lot of world-building and character-building information.

ONE

We’re underwater, of course. Spongebob often establishes this, which I like. It’s such a beautiful, peaceful world. Immediately I’m ready for a great episode.

This is our first time seeing Spongebob jellyfish. (Jelly fish? Jellyfish fish?) His glasses, his net, his sneaky smile — all so charming.

TWO

He hears a strange noise. It’s Sandy having a fight with a clam shell. We don’t know yet that it’s Sandy, so the Two is an introduction to her character. It goes on for a while, but Sandy has a lot of rules that need explaining!

Spongebob pulls out a book: Field Guide, and looks up “Land Squirrel”. This is all hilarious.

Karate, something Sandy and Spongebob share, is introduced. They like each other.

THREE

As part of their karate showing-off, they head chop each other. When Spongebob hits Sandy, her air helmet becomes the focus. Sandy says that air is good, and Spongebob, who clearly doesn’t understand, agrees.

FOUR

He’s invited over for tea and cookies. Immediately Spongebob stops by Patrick’s rock to ask, “What’s air?” Patrick goes with “putting on airs” and tells Spongebob to “pinkie out”.

And here’s the treedome. It’s so pretty! It has an airlock with an alarm light. We’re just waiting for Spongebob to finally understand. Delicious anticipation. Sandy has a great place.

SWITCH

Air vs. water finally becomes clear to Spongebob. 

FIVE

Either he doesn’t want to admit his ignorance, or he doesn’t want to be rude to his new friend, but Spongebob pretends the lack of water isn’t important as he becomes drier and drier. He is Sandy’s first “sea critter” visitor. Meanwhile, Patrick’s outside the dome looking in, reminding Spongebob to “pinkie out”.

As Sandy retrieves the baking cookies, Spongebob stares at the ice cold vase of water on the picnic table. He doesn’t need it! Water is for quitters!

SIX

HE NEEDS IT!

SEVEN

Spongebob makes the decision to guzzle the water, quitter or no.

EIGHT

Patrick comes in to chastise him and immediately wilts and coughs from the lack of water. 

“Air is not good, Patrick.” It’s a beautiful line, instantly memorable. I kinda, sorta wish Spongebob would’ve said it at the Six, with that satisfying mirror moment, but the air acceptance/rejection motif is good enough.

When Sandy returns with the tea she’s shocked. Cut to an insert of a yellow dry sponge and a plastic starfish on the ground. Another first — the live-object photo insert — is so wonderful.

NINE

Sandy fills fish bowl helmets on Spongebob’s and Patrick’s heads with water. Tea bags go in the water, and pinkies go out.

COUNT VLADISLAUS DRACULA, NULL

Stoker’s Dracula is just evil. You fight him with the crucifix. This Dracula is a character with a backstory so convoluted I can’t remember it all. He’s got the whole “breeding with the brides” thing that’s quite disgusting, though. 

I would say that the closer Dracula is to archetype, the better. This Dracula is not that. So, what is he?

He can do things: fly, shape shift, dissolve. Magical powers are expected. I don’t see Body Type, though. He doesn’t really revel in his abilities.

He’s a scientist. Sort of.

Although he has brides, they’re the ones who pine, sort of, for children. Offspring. He wants world domination, maybe. He’s not sentimental, though. I’m not getting Heart Type.

Head? Yes, he’s an intellectual vampire. Beyond that, he has no definition.

He is nothing. The Rules of the Magic for him are so complicated that he doesn’t even register as a satisfying trope. He’s the weak link in this movie. The good guys are character driven. This Dracula needed to be more specific to work as their antagonist.

ANNA VALERIOUS, EIGHT

She’s so brave and beautiful. And she can run like a boss in high-heeled boots! My favorite thing about Anna? She has a clear goal that she pursues relentlessly and achieves at the end. Who has that kind of perseverance?

Like Van Helsing, Anna has huge stunts and big action pieces. Body Type? I really can’t see a Nine being so driven. Probably an Eight. When the vampire wives corner her Anna is afraid but she’s still going to fight rather than wilt. Her first instinct is always to go aggressive when in doubt.

She is a kind of superhero, and Hollywood stories tend to make women the Eight in these cases. That willingness to fight when the physical odds are always against you is the key trait. In Anna’s case they’ve married her strength with a determined will. Her Eight-ness suffuses her character, which is wonderful. “I want to kill Dracula in order to save my family from eternal damnation” is one of the great action phrases an actor can play. Simple, clean, moving.

She might be my top Woman Eight. I’ll have to check!

VAN HELSING, NINE

I refer, of course, to the Van Helsing played by Hugh Jackman in the eponymous movie. I love this version of the classic monster tales!

He is brave, of course. He hunts the worst creatures and slays them under the imprimatur of the Church. Physically difficult and spiritually difficult. This is a high action movie, so the stunts are big and the character is daring. Must we immediately decide that he’s a Body Type?

He’s a Nine. Of course. He’s a superhero, after all. Also, he really doesn’t want to engage in emotional conflict. Kill the demons, bless their remains, and move on to the next one. His own personal biography is something he tries to avoid.

Cool, disconnected, physically capable. As a Nine, he would also be a good judge. Fair and impartial. If you’re going to kill a hell-damned abomination, you want to get the judgment right.

For the more traditional Dracula story (with its briefly seen Van Helsing), I really couldn’t think of an angle. Bela Lugosi, Gary Oldman, Frank Langella, Christopher Lee — all great vampire portrayers, but I didn’t want to write about any of them. Another time, perhaps.

REEF BLOWER

ONE

Squidward steps out his door and admires his sparkly clean yard.

TWO

Aha! A rogue seashell mars the sand. It seems kind of pretty to me — an added feature like a lawn ornament — but clearly it’s considered a fallen leaf. 

THREE

Squid, in a classic move, kicks the shell into Spongebob’s sparkly yard. Be careful what you set in motion at the Three, dear children.

FOUR

Immediately noticing the offending shell/leaf, Spongebob loads on his blower and starts it up. Squidward, relaxing in a hammock, frowns at the noise and puts in earplugs.

The shell, which has the aerodynamics of a leaf, won’t blow away. Chasing it, Spongebob ends up blowing sand all over Squidward’s lunch. 

SWITCH

Blowing hasn’t worked, so Spongebob flips the machine to suck.

FIVE

As Spongebob sucks up the sand, the blower revolts and spits out the load. Spongebob puts it back in. He will not be defeated! Using a very long cord pull, Spongebob starts a monster-sized suck and vacuums up the entire ocean. Squidward gasps for “air” and the blower pulses with its huge load.

It pops. Back comes the ocean. Sand piles are dumped everywhere.

SIX

Except for Spongebob’s yard, which is again sparkly clean.

SEVEN

Spongebob dusts his hands and goes into his pineapple. He’s done and his mission is accomplished.

EIGHT

All the piled sand is in Squidward’s yard, burying him up to the head. Punchline one.

The shell floats down and lands on his nose. Punchline two.

NINE

I considered if the shell was the Nine — Squidward is back where he started and nothing in his world has changed for the better — but ultimately decided it was an Eight. The shell is the Two-Trouble, so it makes more sense for it to reoccur and reflect back at the Eight.

The implied Nine, though, is just as effective.

Cormorant’s Lament

3″ x 3″ on wallboard.

Listen at bandcamp.

Settled as a governess at Thornfield, Jane has no reason to be dissatisfied, yet she can’t help but feel restless.

(JANE)
PRETTY SAIL A’SEA
BEWARE THE SURGE,
THE BLOW, THE SWELL,
THE CRASH, THE PURGE,
FOR ALL’S NOT WELL
AS THE STORM FINDS THEE.

WHEN THE MAST DOTH BREAK
THE FAIR ONE’S LOST:
AN ARM, A SHOE,
A BRACELET TOSSED,
A CORPSE ASKEW,
AS SHE RIDES THE WAKE.

AND THE BIRD WILL BLIGHT
WHAT WON’T SUBMERGE —
A CROAKING LOUD
YOUR ONLY DIRGE,
A WING YOUR SHROUD
AS YOUR SOUL TAKES FLIGHT

KAHN’S ELIZABETH, FIVE

Victor Frankenstein’s girl — fiancee, cousin, whatever she’s called — is a non-entity. She’s fridged! She basically dies so that Victor can feel something. Her arc is incidental.

Frederick’s girl is a whole ‘nother matter. Go Madeline!

She’s fussy. “Taffeta, darling.” Precise, prissy. Appearances, order, decorum, are all important to her. Partly she’s portrayed as uptight because it gives her an arc, a very funny one. Also, she represents society and civilization to Frederick. His arc is to leave all that behind and embrace his wild ancestor side. Although her character is stylized as a comedic tool, Kahn crafts all this into a true portrayal. 

Like Frederick, she also is set free by the end: she loves the Monster. He, reversing our expectations, becomes civilized. This Elizabeth has it all. Order, social appearance, dignity on the outside. Passion on the inside.

The Monster, with half of Frederick’s brain, becomes the Seven that can live in society without losing his wildness. (Frederick becomes a Seven who lives in the wild while holding onto some semblance of society.) This is the version of the man that suits Elizabeth best.

Passion on the quiet, dignity on the outside? Five.