WONDER WOMAN, NINE

She’s literally an Amazon warrior. Tall, athletic, even goddess-like — Diana Prince is the archetypal Enneagram Nine.

Nines are, for the most part, placid. They prefer peace. The latest Wonder Woman is portrayed exactly like this. She enjoys her physical abilities, her companionship on the island, her family. An invasion turns all that into righteous fuel, and after that she will not be stopped.

She’s a superhero, so her powers are credited to her half-god genetics. This, though, is all just Nine Skills. Blocking bullets with reflexes? Nine. Twirling and sliding through the battlefield? Nine. Indomitable physical will? Nine. The story just pushes normal Nine-ness to a supernatural degree.

Her calm temperament and her effortless abilities make Wonder Woman a beloved DC character. A real life Woman Nine won’t hit all these storybook marks, but she will be an average version of the WW traits. A figurative Amazon warrior.

LISA SIMPSON, FIVE

I’m not sure if a recent commenter was calling me a Lisa Simpson or if they were requesting an Enneagram character sketch of her, so I’ll assume the latter and off we go.

First off, let’s be honest. I’m only a casual viewer of The Simpsons. Here’s what I remember about Lisa:

She likes rules. She plays the saxophone. Bart, and his chaotic state, annoy her. She’s smarter than her father, at least, and maybe both of her parents. She’s kind of a pain because she’s so stringent. However, her open vulnerability can be very endearing and sad. She’s an alien in her own world.

My God, I am a Lisa Simpson! Oh, dear.

Much rueful chuckling goes here.

Well, then, Lisa — a character I tend to dislike — must be a Five.

That may not be true, but I don’t want to delve further. It’s a Monday morning and I’ve only had one cup of coffee so far. Self-searching requires at least a donut or something.

BART SIMPSON, EIGHT

A prankster. A Loki. Someone who doesn’t give two figs for society’s measures of achievement and success. A rebel. A mischief-maker.

Whoa, we have so many Enneagram directions we could go here!

Not a Three. Bart’s comfort with failure, his seeking of it, cancels that option.

Not a Five. He’s too much of a rule-breaker, and shame has no effect on him.

Not a Nine. He thrives in conflict.

Not a One, not a Six. Rules again, and also justice. He doesn’t care about right and wrong.

Not a Two. Compassion is not his game.

That leaves Four, Seven, and Eight. I’ve already called Lisa Simpson a Five. That means, because family tends to line up around the Enneagram together, Bart’s more likely a Seven (Five’s weakness move) or Eight (Five’s strength move).

His monkey qualities lead toward Seven. His fearless leap at life leads toward Eight. Body or Head?

Well, that pretty much answers it. Bart is no Head Type.