MAID MARION (2010), ONE

She’s brave and bold, of course. This Maid is married, but she only had one night with her husband before he left for the Crusades with Richard. She lives now in the role of daughter-in-law, which is similar to ward. Only in the most technical terms is she a wife. Our Maids are very similar.

Blanchett’s Maid is more physical than de Havilland’s. She’s an archer and a farmer. She knows how to use a dagger if necessary. Let us completely ignore the movie’s climax when Marion pretends to know more physicality than is believable. Until that moment she was a great character, a great iteration of the Maid. I choose to erase that scene from my memory.

This Maid is no Three. She’s not particularly deft at social situations, and she has a sense of failure that swirls around her. I want to say Body Type. Her first instinct, right or wrong, is to engage physically. When her people are locked in the barn, threatened with burning, Marion uses a sword to pry the boards loose and free them. Her answers to most problems involve a physical response.

One, Eight, or Nine? She’s too feisty to be a Nine. Eight is the obvious choice, because Hollywood tends to write strong women characters as Eights. Bold and aggressive are not the same, but using confrontation is a shortcut writing technique to suggest bravery.

I kind of like a One, though. It’s her prickly shyness with Robin that turns me away from an Eight. She has a sharp, witty tongue, particularly with Sir Walter, and a managerial competence that feel very One-ish. It’s interesting! 

SKINNY SANTA, ONE

That moment when you see Santa — Santa Claus! — tell Rudolph he’s not good enough because of a physical difference you’re devastated. THIS IS THE SANTA! He’s all good, all loving (like God) and all forgiving. Why is this Santa so petty and mean?

Usually Santa is more of an avatar. This Santa is a character. Let’s pursue his Enneagram number.

Well, and I’m cracking up, this Santa is hungry. Or, he’s not hungry. He’s just an ascetic, which is totally wrong for a Santa. Mrs. Claus says, “Eat, papa, eat. No one likes a skinny Santa.”

WHY ISN’T SANTA ROLY POLY? Everything about this version is . . . Not Santa. Every year, according to this story, Santa lives lean until the last couple of weeks when he overeats. This is a very conflicted, eating-disordered Santa.

One. I mean, I go immediately to One. Skinny, energetic Santa who only gives in to the requirement of his job at the last minute is a One. Santa who tsks at Rudolph’s nose because it’s not up to some random standard that Santa himself made out of whole cloth is a One. And when he must grovel to Rudolph and ask for his help, he does it with dignity. One.

Also, the Pole is super efficient. One.

ICHABOD CRANE, ONE

The iconic Halloween figure. You’ve got autumn leaves and a pumpkin, fall harvest dances and returning to school. Washington Irving’s short story and the Disney animated production are watchable and necessary year after year. (Also, need I say it: Bing.)

So, what is this skinny, homely, frightened man? His small lankiness immediately suggests a One, but his personality doesn’t really mesh with that. Ones are much more likely to conquer the world than to cringe from it.

But wait. Ichabod’s main motivation is money. He courts Katrina because her family’s rich. He tutors children to get a free dinner. He even, in the epilogue, is rumored to live married and well-off in another town. Now, that’s One-ish.

But he’s such a klutz. That’s not One-ish. The storytellers want him to be awkward on his horse so he can contrast with the Headless Horseman bearing down on him. I see no reason, though, to have him bumble around the dance. He is depicted as clumsy.

He’s bookish and uncoordinated. What a horrible stereotype to perpetuate! Interestingly, in the written story, his moral character — mean, small, cheap — is stressed. He’s almost cold in regards to Katrina. Disney has taken all this and physicalized it in, I would say with hindsight, an unfortunate choice. Eh, it’s a twenty minute short. Show, not tell.

I’m going with One. I think Disney has exaggerated Ichabod beyond the bounds of the number, but I’ll stick with it.

BUZZ LIGHTYEAR, ONE

He’s so helpful! He never tires, either. Patient. Remember when he’s taping back together his cardboard spaceship and the other toys help? And when he works with Etch-a-Sketch to discover the chicken man? Buzz is indefatigable.

He’s such a rule-follower that it takes half a movie for him to realize he’s not who he thinks.

Brave. Athletic. He sees himself as heroic and he behaves that way. Even after his ego has taken a hit, he still shines through as that wing-popping, save-the-day guy.

When he finally realizes he’s part of a team, he’s happy to be a team player. 

I keep coming up with an Enneagram One. Rules, obviously. Athleticism. That Energizer Bunny quality. He’s a leader. Once he understands the true mission — be Andy’s toy — he’s willing to co-lead. A One will share authority with someone who’s proven to be competent. When Buzz understands the entire Andy’s Room situation, he also realizes that Woody has done a good job. As long as business is conducted efficiently, a One will put aside any personal disagreements.

Also, don’t forget the flamenco dancing. I’m cracking up right now remembering all the great Buzz moments. Ones are funny. Part of the greatness of their humor is it bubbles up from their core. It’s honest. That’s definitely Buzz.

JOHN McCLANE, ONE

He’s That Guy. If you’ve read my book you know I have great respect for “That Guy”. And you’ll know I believe we can all be “That Guy” in our lives and in the characters we create. It’s a wonderful hero trope.

But who specifically is McClane?

He’s loyal. When Holly relocates to Los Angeles he doesn’t dump her and move on. He’s also stubborn. When Holly relocates he doesn’t move with her. He has a job that is his identity, something he won’t leave behind.

He likes being a cop and believes in it. He’s a law and order guy. Rules. 

He has a sort of world-weary pessimism. He’s an Energizer bunny who won’t quit. These are very Six, but isn’t McClane a Body Type? Action hero does action things, like tie himself to a fire hose and jump off the roof. Is he a Nine living in his weakness trait?

Wait, think. If you think you’re looking at a Six but they have a more physical approach to the world, you’re probably actually seeing a One. Bruce Willis doesn’t have a One’s lean, wiry appearance, so he’s tricked me into guessing other numbers. How wonderfully fascinating, though! A One.

It’s the Energizer bunny clue that gives it away. His One wit takes a darker turn — “Come out to the coast, we’ll get together, have a few laughs” — but it’s there. This was a good discovery. I’m surprised!