NELLIE LOVETT (1982), TWO

Will the real villain of Sweeney Todd please stand up, lol! He kills because he seeks revenge. What’s Mrs. Lovett’s excuse?

Angela Lansbury, with her expressive, heavily-lined eyes and her childish honeybun hairdo, fools us beautifully. Her humor, her game attitude, and her love for Sweeney distract us from how easily she participates in murdering and baking her customers. She’s such a great character, portrayed with so much exuberance.

So, what number can engage us so thoroughly that we look away from her moral chaos? I immediately go to Heart Type. Her gentleness with Toby, even though she expects Sweeney to kill him, comes naturally. She can’t help herself. Also, she obviously envies Sweeney’s wife and the love he still holds for her.

She’s no Three. The other pie shop woman who’s “popping pussies into pies” is more successful than her, lol. Two or Four? She’s even-keeled. She’s happy before she meets Sweeney, and happy afterward. Two, at least how Lansbury plays her. Depression doesn’t ever settle on her. This does make me curious, however, to see how other actors have portrayed Mrs. Lovett. Perhaps for next Halloween.

SWEENEY TODD (1982), SIX

He’s bloodthirsty and ruthless, but his desire for vengeance dominates any other characteristic. Judge Turpin and The Beadle must pay for the scheme they perpetrated: stealing his wife and falsely sending him off to prison. All the other deaths are incidental, people who cross his path while he waits for his two foes to come for a shave. He’s singularly focused, to the point where he can take human life without blinking, but once his mission is complete, he’s done. He’s not a good man, but his need for justice helps us tolerate his story.

He’s an excellent barber, lol. Does that say anything about his Enneagram? We see his meticulous preparation, sharpening the razor and smoothing the lather, and then — whisk! — the close shave is done. It’s very similar to his killing spree. This is someone who likes order.

A Six? (He’s too morose to be a One.) I could consider him a Two. A gentle soul when mistreated so badly could turn to darkness. However, he takes no pleasure in his razors as objects. “At last, my arm is complete again.” They’re not a Two’s collection; the shaving tools are part of his body, part of his identity.

The ability to justify evil actions is Six-ish. Once black has been determined to be white by a Six, they can move forward with a clear conscience. When his enemies are dead, Sweeney could, in theory, revert to a normal life. The story, however, delivers its own justice. Sweeney’s moral decisions lead him to kill someone precious to him, and, after one last act of vengeance, he ends up broken by it. It falls outside of his black-and-white universe, and he can’t resolve what he’s done. When he’s killed at the end of the play, everybody’s code is satisfied, even Sweeney’s.

ANNA, ONE

She’s so efficient that we never get a plotline about her job at Downton. All of Anna’s troubles are personal. I’m immediately thinking about a One. She feels like a small, cheerful dynamo. And she has that moral comfort a One or a Six possesses. She’s not a worrier, though (beyond regular human emotion) as a Six would be. It doesn’t define her. 

So, a One.

Nobody in this era is going to jog about the park, but Anna is often shown walking to town. A Body Type would have few other outlets for exercise. She’s physically vibrant and brisk. Also, lol, I think she manages the finances for her marriage (a One trait). Everyone upstairs and downstairs is at ease around her. She has no Envy in her, so she can’t be a Three. Like a Three, though, a One is universally liked and successful. It makes her a useful character to the writers for a terrible rape plotline. No one wants to see Anna harmed, and her physical exuberance is convenient as a pivot point to put her in danger. That’s the dramatic nature of a soap opera, and I can’t complain that the showrunners have integrated Anna’s Enneagram into the story. I just don’t want to watch it.

GRAMMA TALA, NULL

She’s a troublemaker, lol. A rebel. She opens the movie by terrorizing the toddlers with the story of Maui. When Moana is grown, Gramma basically gaslights her by pretending she doesn’t care what Moana does. “I’m the village crazy lady,” she says. “That’s my job.” She’s a fairy godmother with a manta ray tattooed on her back.

Her only individual, character-specific moment is when she stands on the shore and admires her spirit animal. Otherwise, she’s the quest-giver, the heroic mentor, and the beloved elder. She’s a trickster. (Did they miss one of the archetypes, lol?) The showrunners pack a lot onto her shoulders. Can an Enneagram rise above all this weight?

Wow, no. In a previous review I held Gramma up as a great, well-written cameo character. I think I may have been bamboozled. Sorry about that. She’s layered with so many archetypes that she dazzles. However . . . she’s just a Null. Bummer.

Baxter, Nine

Since Baxter came up during the Molesley examination, let’s discuss her. She’s the one who eventually becomes Cora’s lady’s maid after O’Brien leaves. Thomas recommends her for the job; in exchange he holds her hostage. He wants to know the gossip upstairs and he’ll reveal her secret if she won’t dish.

And what is her secret? In a previous household she was convinced by an unscrupulous man to steal her employer’s jewelry. She served time and he went away free.

So, Baxter is malleable. She’s no Eight, One, or Three. She’s genuinely kind to others, even Thomas. This is a character with no Envy, so not a Two or Four. Because of her romantic feelings with Molesley, let’s rule out a Six (his Enneagram).

Five, Seven, or Nine? I want to say Nine. First of all, I like it as a companion number to Molesley. Also, I think the conflict inherent in Baxter’s crime is what torments her the most. Of course she’s embarrassed to confess to Cora, but upsetting the household balance, of putting Cora in the difficult position of deciding her fate, is more offensive to her. Molesley’s support — I would say his moral clarity, which is a source of peace for him — lends Baxter strength. Her past is not a drama for him, which makes it less of a drama for her.

MAUI, TWO

He’s immediately hilarious and wonderful, nailing the best song in the show. At first all we see is his confidence and his callousness. (He leaves Moana locked in a cave FOR LIFE, or at least as far as he knows.) If this weren’t a Disney movie (and Moana weren’t highly athletic) it would be a much different tone.

Instead, it’s basically a road movie with these two.

Because Maui’s a shapeshifter, I want to say he’s a Body Type. He’s impulsive and socially clueless at times, which leads me to Eight. I mean, he is a superhero, of a sort. Eight is pretty go-to.

But what if he isn’t? He’s powerful because of his fish hook. Without it, he’s just a marooned dude. Oh, hahaha! Are his tattoos a Two’s collection? Underneath his jerk impulses he’s a lonely guy who wants to be appreciated. He did everything, all of his heroic feats, to help humans (or, so he claims in “You’re Welcome”). If we are to believe him, he didn’t defeat the monsters because of the physical challenge, to pit himself against the toughest bosses. He did it out of a sense of service. At the climax, when his hook is half-broken and he wants to quit, he returns because Moana won’t stop. Aw, how sad that someone who seeks human connection and love has been isolated for so long. (No wonder he talks to his ink, lol.)

MOANA, NINE

One part of Moana genuinely believes she will perform her duty, stay on the island, and lead her people as her father has done. The other part of her is desperate for adventure on the sea. Also, as a good chief she knows that the village is unsustainable. Rot ruins their plants and the lagoon has been fished out. When she finds the boats in the sea cave, she sees a solution and an escape rolled into one.

It’s in the nature of the genre that our heroine will be athletic, but I think we’re looking at something extra. Moana sails with no previous experience, shows physical daring and confidence, and is an excellent acrobat, which all suggest a Body Type. (Otherwise I would peg her as a Three. She has that indomitable will and lucky touch.) 

She’s a Nine. It’s her misplaced dutifulness. A Nine will slide to Six in weakness. She meets her obligation to the village without passion. Only after she pursues her own way, sailing to return the heart and adventuring to find Maui, can she succeed. Even then, she needs to express herself physically: sailing among her people. I like it! She’s an enjoyable character who feels fresh, yet she hits all the appropriate beats and stays true to her Enneagram. Well done.

MOLESLEY, SIX

If ever a character was pitiable and heroic at the same time! At first he’s a man in service looking to better his position. It seems like he’s good at it, too, but his personality is always awkward at putting himself forward.

Isn’t Molesley a Six? Need we delve further, lol? 

He’s a worrier. He’s a forelock-puller (if he’d lived in an earlier era). He’s never going to be head butler. It isn’t until Baxter joins the household that we see the depth of his character. Before that, he seems more like a comedic foil for the downstairs plots. With Baxter, though, he shows the black-and-white moral code that Sixes do so well. He likes her romantically, but he also just stands by what is right, and his influence helps Baxter take back her life.

Can we say that The Fool is often a Six? Isn’t that interesting! Character tropes that may match up with the Enneagram! Molesley is most definitely a Fool archetype. And then, like every great Fool, he tells the truth when no one else will take the risk. After all, the Fool is one of the most heroic types in fiction. No one else is willing to annoy a king day in and out.

SOPHIE LENNON, FOUR

The great Jane Lynch has created an indescribable character. Sophie is a successful comedienne of the most cliché and painful humor. Even she doesn’t particularly like her alter ego, and in real life she’s nothing like her stage presence. Gosh, where do I even begin?

She wanted to do theater. She aspires to be a dramatic actress, and when she hires Susie to be her manager, she gets the opportunity. And blows it. Instead of chancing success on a risky, vulnerable move, she slides into her Sophie-from-Queens persona and ruins the play. How she falls is squirm-worthy.

And then she comes back. She grants an interview and opens up. Honest, humble, and hilarious, she saves her career. Afterwards she becomes a successful game show host who combines all the best aspects of her talent. She’s still a pretentious snob, but she might finally find professional fulfillment.

Don’t forget her vindictive side. Midge, in one of her fatal flaw moves, blurts out the truth about Sophie, something she knew Sophie guarded carefully, to an entire audience. Sophie has every right to be mad. She kills Midge’s career in revenge.

Lynch always makes me want to go with Four or Nine because she’s such a tall woman and a physically dominating presence. These are the numbers her real life body suggests to me, and it’s hard to shake that impression. Is Sophie one of these Enneagrams? It’s funny that when I was thinking of comic personalities, and I suggested they would be Ones or Eights, I also thought of Fours. They bring a different, self-deprecating kind of humor. The wit comes at a different speed, but it’s there. I want to say that Sophie is a Four.

Sophie forgives Midge long before Midge forgets what Sophie’s done to her. It’s not that Sophie’s avoiding conflict (a Nine trait) but that she lived her lowest point, reacted to it, and has moved on. Her alter ego is brash, crude, and unsubtle. Sophie is not like her at all, and yet she seems genuinely content with the brand of comedy that worked for her. Again, Sophie rolls with the lows and enjoys the highs. It’s just that single moment in her theater debut that she freezes and retreats.

Well, I can’t promise that I didn’t talk myself into a Four Sophie. The portrayal is truly sublime. Probably only Lynch knows for sure what she’s playing, and I guarantee she knows every corner of this character. I couldn’t tell how much of Sophie was on the page, and how much was Lynch creating from pure genius. I’ll stick with my instinct and declare Sophie a solid Four.

MATTHEW CRAWLEY, NINE

He’s a tough bird to pin down. At first Matthew is the usurper. Legally he is the heir to Downton, but the family doesn’t know him. Mary had plans, all ruined by the sinking of Titanic. Then he goes to war as an officer. He and Mary obviously have feelings for each other at this point because she gives him the fuzzy bunny for luck. But isn’t he also engaged to Lavinia? Lol, what a soap opera! And then he’s paralyzed, but then he recovers. Eventually, after many tribulations, he and Mary get married, only for him to die smiling in a car crash.

Does a character this chaotic have a clear arc?

Before the Downton writers put him through the wringer, Matthew’s a lawyer with no aspirations to the aristocracy. He lives with his mother, the Four. Wait, is he a Nine? That would explain why he and Robert, who only clash due to generational misunderstandings, basically feel the same way about the estate and duty. It would also explain why Mary is drawn to and repelled by him. Marrying a version of your father is a complicated prospect!

He and his mother are in that classic Four/Nine relationship where she experiences enough feelings for both of them, allowing him to keep a superior distance from all that emotional unpleasantness. It’s also why he can’t settle on a fiancee. Lavinia seems so peaceful and uncomplicated, right until she dies and dumps conflict all over Matthew’s lap. He loves Mary, but she’s an endless basket of conflict. When he finally stops dodging all the turmoil, he and Mary become a calm couple, bringing out the best in each other. Of course the writers must kill him at that point, lol. He’s gotten boring. (I think the actor ended his contract, but the writers were relieved, believe me! Heh.)

So, when all is said and done, Matthew ends up being a mini-Robert. Instead of a clash between the Earl and his heir — a more traditional plot choice — the show rolls Matthew around in a rain barrel. Hmph. Well, it worked for many seasons, although I will say that the racing car driver made for a more interesting Mary-husband. Sadly, I’m not sure he got enough screen time to develop an Enneagram.

Haha, I can’t even stay focused on Matthew during his own write-up. Sorry, my dear boy.