BOATING SCHOOL

ONE

Here’s our pineapple neighborhood. Spongebob sleeps until his alarm goes off with that foghorn boom.

TWO

Spongebob says, “This is it, Gary!” as his bed catapults him into his giant calendar. Splat into: Boating Exam Today. He’s clearly excited about this event. “I’m ready!”

THREE

Outside on a unicycle he rides around Squidward’s house with his “I’m ready.” Obviously, this neighbor couldn’t care less about Spongebob’s day.

FOUR

It’s Mrs. Puff’s Boating School! Yay!

Spongebob’s ready! He’s so ready he throws his unicycle into the garbage bin. Won’t need that anymore!

We get Mrs. Puff’s POV through a porthole window. “I’m NOT ready.”

As Mrs. Puff expects, Spongebob aces the oral exam. Now it’s the driving portion.

Oh, you know how wonderful this is. Spongebob asks if he should floor it. Mrs. Puff says, “No, don’t floor it!” “Floor it? Okay!” And they crash. Mrs. Puff expands, as pufferfish do, and in a deep voice says, “Whyyyyy?”

SWITCH

The pineapple house at night. Spongebob in bed talks to Gary. He doesn’t know why he goes crazy behind the wheel, but he’s failed 37 times.

Help comes in the form of Patrick on the walkie talkie. Problem, buddy? 

FIVE

With Patrick involved, we’re now in the Five. He pushes the walkie talkie receiver into Spongebob’s head and covers the antenna with a ten-gallon hat. Using a giant telescope, Patrick watches the driving exam and coaches Spongebob.

Mrs. Puff is pleasantly astonished at Spongebob’s clean driving. Musical montage of Spongebob handling the boat like a pro as he cruises through the course.

And then Mrs. Puff makes a joke about Spongebob having a radio under his hat. That would be cheating, though. “I’m . . . cheating?” Uh-oh.

SIX

We see Patrick, upset, run home. I don’t think he has the moral sophistication to know what cheating is. All he knows is that Spongebob spoiled the fun.

These — at the Three and Six — are Spongebob’s neighbors. It’s actually not a great Three/Six mirror, but it does go from the flippant neighbor at the Three to the helpful neighbor at the Six. Neither can save him, though.

SEVEN

Yards away from the Finish Line Spongebob veers off and drives crazy again. 

EIGHT

“It’s alright! you can cheat!” yells Mrs. Puff, pointing. “Cheat that way!”

And the offscreen crash. Again Mrs. Puff expands and says, “Whyyyy?”

NINE

Gary has the unicycle, which he saved from the garbage. Away they go, Gary riding on Spongebob’s head.

NAUGHTY NAUTICAL NEIGHBORS

ONE

We appear to see Squidward reclining on a beach at sunset. Nope, it’s a souffle he’s made with a little model of himself on top. The best souffle he’s ever created! He wears a chef’s hat and apron and the table is set for one. Dashing away, clothes flying, he returns in formal wear with a middle-part toupee.

This is our first time seeing Squiddie in his fancy outfit. The hair is comedic genius.

TWO

As he prepares to sit, giggling is heard. Frowning, looking about, returning to the cake, and . . .  there it is again. Giggling.

THREE

Squid goes to his window and looks out. Uh-oh. He’s engaged with the world outside just by observing it.

FOUR

Spongebob and Patrick, holding bubble wands, sit across from each other on Squid’s front walkway. Blowing a bubble, Spongebob whispers into it. Off it floats, pops at Patrick, and says, “Hi, Patrick.” Pat, delighted, giggles and sends a whisper-bubble back to Spongebob.

Squidward in a huff pours his souffle liquid into the teacup and whips it up to a froth. I didn’t know that souffle had a liquid bottom residue. That’s gross, dude.

While Pat and Spongebob whisper-bubble that they’re best friends, Squid blows an angry bubble which kicks the Spongebob nice bubble away. (Literally. The bubble grows a foot.) Floating down from the window, the misshapen angry-bubble tells Patrick he’s dumb.

Patrick, sad, blows a bubble back to Spongebob that asks, “Really?” “Of course.”

You get the gist. Mischief and hurt feelings and misunderstanding. Squidward sits in a lawn chair eating his cake, laughing over the whole yelling argument.

SWITCH

Spongebob and Patrick separate and go home. Spongebob, disgusted, says, “Tarter sauce!” and Patrick slams his rock closed. (Tartar sauce! Yay! First usage.)

FIVE

Laughing and eating, Squidward starts to choke with his fork stuck sideways in his neck. Patrick leaps over and rescues him. Now they’re friends. (“Friennnnd.”)

Spongebob’s devastated, but eventually finds an opening where he can save Squid, too. (Sparkly eyes. “Friennnnd.”) After a little more helpful treatment, Squidward can take no more.

SIX

He screeches and runs away. He is now actively disengaging with the world.

SEVEN

Hiding in a trashcan Squidward decides he must get the two friends back together.

EIGHT

He throws them a dinner party and serves them fizzy soda. All we see throughout this is the hands holding glasses as they compete for more pop. Squidward, out of soda, leaves them alone. Now they are revealed to us.

Misshapen and plump from all the gas, they start to burp and hiccup, which gives them the giggles. The Easter Island Head house expands.

Not noticing that his house is bulging, Squid returns and reaches for his key. The whole head shakes from an internal eruption. When Squid opens the door, the house is destroyed. Only the door in its jamb remains. The friends are finally back together. He immediately kicks them out.

NINE

When he slams the door behind them, a bubble knocks it over and it flattens him.

PLANKTON!

ONE

Bubbles swoosh by, and there’s the Krusty Krab. Squidward in voiceover asks Spongebob to make a Krabby Patty. Inside, Squid watches Spongebob cook.

TWO

One by one the ingredients for a Patty pass in through Spongebob’s spongey holes. When they’re all in, Spongebob shakes himself to mix, and magically pulls the completed burger out from under Squid’s nose. The Krabby Patty itself, and this is the first time we get a good look at it, is The Trouble.

THREE

A shiny drawing of a Krabby Patty inserts here. It’s so amazing, regular animation can’t convey its magnificence.

FOUR

The Patty starts to dance and bobble toward the door. Is it haunted?

Mr. Krabs stabs it with his foot and pulls out a magnifying glass. Ohhhh, yes! Here he is for the first time: Plankton!

He wants the Patty formula. Mr. Krabs spins him on a plate like a flying saucer and sends him back to the Chum Bucket. (The Chum Bucket!)

Later, when Spongebob walks home from work, Plankton tries to bribe and trick him into giving him a Patty. Spongebob knows, though. Sometimes he’s ridiculously innocent and naive, and sometimes, like here, he sees through the manipulation. He leaves.

SWITCH

Bedtime. Spongebob says goodnight to Gary. (“Meow.”)

FIVE

Plankton, hiding and waiting, enters Spongebob’s head (body?) through a spongey hole in order to robot control his brain. 

Yes, it’s really that eccentric and wonderful. Spongebob walks with stiff legs and does as Plankton commands while delivering a running commentary. (“You’re RIGHT, Gary!”) Walls cannot stop him. He’s in one side and out the other of the Krusty Krab, Patty in hand.

At the Chum Bucket Plankton introduces the Analyzer. Just put in the Patty and he’ll know the formula! Spongebob tries to hold on, but Plankton controls his fingers. Losing the battle, Spongebob apologizes to the Krabby Patty and recognizes its steamy goodness.

SIX

Another insert. This is a photo of a real life burger. The stakes are increased from the Three!

SEVEN

Plankton drools. And then he drops his controller and reaches for the Patty. Oh, Plankton, you maniacal, intemperate little fool.

EIGHT

Plankton falls into the Analyzer. The computer (it’s not Karen yet!) analyzes him, and then traps him in the screen.

NINE

Spongebob takes the Patty in a comforting way and heads home. Plankton helplessly rants.

JELLYFISHING

ONE

The French narrator introduces the cheerful jellyfish, buzzing through the pineapple neighborhood. All is peaceful.

TWO

Spongebob and Patrick suit up for jellyfishing. Like superheroes, they rope slide to the basement — shh, just go with it — choose nets from the weapons closet, and emerge from the hatch in a Dynamic Duo power exit. Let the Trouble begin.

THREE

A static shot on the Duo at the door as the jellyfish scoots past. They skip after it, camera staying on the door, and then run back through, chased by jelly. Part of the humor of Spongebob is the predictability of shots like this. We all know the set-up. Our anticipation leads to the payoff, which is delivered with impeccable timing.

FOUR

Still being chased, they run to Squidward’s door. He’s heading out on his bicycle with paddles for wheels. They’ve brought him a net, and he’s invited to join them.

And here is our good old Squiddy being just as we expect. He pretends to like their idea, although he can’t hang out today. As he rides away he laughs, nose pulsing. With a straight face he’s tricked them into believing he’s their best friend. Hardy har!  

He keeps laughing . . . a lot. Cross-cut to the jellyfish on a collision course with Squidward’s bike. Closer, closer.

SWITCH

The jellyfish flies like a bee into his mouth. He hits at it, it goes down his shirt, and he crashes over a long cliff. Fiery explosion and a Squidward moan offscreen.

FIVE

Back at the pineapple house Spongebob sits in a chair and continuously jumps up to look out the window. Squid, in a wheelchair and bandages, rolls toward home.

Giving him the Best Day Ever, Spongebob and Patrick welcome him in. Soup that needs cooling is ready. Pat blows it all over Squid’s mummy head, and all Squid can do is moan. Spongebob offers to play the clarinet, wetting his lips forever. Ew! Hilariously disgusting.

SIX

None of this is the Best Day Ever. Only jellyfishing will qualify. They roll Squidward out to the pastoral Jellyfish Field. Again, as at the Three, the immortal chase begins.

SEVEN

Squid tries to motor away but Patrick insists he hold the net. Because Squid is in a full-body wrap, his hands won’t grab. Patrick stabs the base of the net into his hand and tells him to “Go!” after that jellyfish. Ow.

EIGHT

The Duo will show him how it’s done. A very painful version of the Blue Danube Waltz begins, and they leap away. Eventually they end up tussling with each other while the jellyfish attacks Squid. He chases it and traps it against a large . . . thing. We know, and soon they all know, that baby has gone home to mama. A humongous jellyfish is not happy. It chases Squidward offscreen. The electricity strike reflects off of the Duo’s horrified faces.

Poor Squidward. Even when he’s cooperating and winning, he still loses.

NINE

The Duo are covered in bandaids. Squid motors in wearing a full-body cast now, propped up in a hospital bed. They give him the jelly in a jar as an apology present. Sorry, do you forgive us?

He releases it on them, and it gives chase. As Squid laughs at his success, a large shadow appears over him. Mama jelly zaps him and his cast breaks open. Ow.

RIPPED PANTS

ONE

Our first look at Goo Lagoon, introduced by the French-accented narrator! The bottom of the ocean has a beach. You realize it’s a paradox, and then you accept the new reality.

Sandy (in full astronaut suit) and Spongebob sit out under an umbrella. Using sand Spongebob does a few impersonations that get Sandy laughing. All is companionable.

TWO

Larry the Lobster (Hi, Larry!) asks Sandy if she’d like to lift weights with him. Now Spongebob no longer has Sandy all to himself.

THREE

He’s sad. He has to follow along after them or be left behind.

FOUR

Various feats of strength, with a cheering crowd watching. Spongebob tries to join in by clean-and-jerking a stick. As the others add weights to their bars, Spongebob finds two marshmallows to add to his stick.

He tries mightily, while the crowd breaks into snoring, but can’t lift his stick. Instead, he rips his pants from the exertion. He’s terribly embarrassed — red-cheeked — until Sandy laughs and says it was hilarious.

SWITCH

A rainbow forms behind Spongebob’s head.

FIVE

And thus ensues a series of events where Spongebob rips his pants for the laughs. It works for a while, and then the laugh starts to get old.

For everyone. Including me. Haha! Sorry, this episode is not one of my beloved re-watches.

When Spongebob pretends to drown he loses all the good will on the beach, especially from Sandy.

SIX

Alone and sad again. A tumbleweed blows by him on the deserted beach.

Yay, another paradox!

SEVEN

Spongebob feels like a loser. When others step forward to claim the title of biggest loser, Spongebob listens and accepts their claims.

EIGHT

And he starts a surf band with them! They sing, play sand instruments, and even have a real-life half-pipe wave background like a music video. The episode is saved! The crowd cheers. Sandy hugs him.

NINE

Larry asks for Spongebob to sign his pants. As he does, his tighty-whities rip, and he’s embarrassed again, putting his hands over his spongey yellow nakedness.

BUBBLESTAND

Another classic Spongebob episode! I’ll probably write this exact line before every Enneagram review. My childlike delight in this rewatch is slightly embarrassing.

ONE

Again, the underwater world and the pineapple neighborhood are established. Spongebob steps forth from his door and enjoys the peaceful environment of the day.

TWO

Boom. Cut to Spongebob hammering on a construction project in his front yard. The timing is perfectly comedic. It’s also Trouble.

THREE

Squidward leans out his window and complains. How is this the Three? Well, first, this is the thing that happens next after the Two. Not a great reason! Also, this Squid behavior is in almost every episode that includes him. Again, why? Stay tuned . . .

FOUR

Squid practices his clarinet and Spongebob finishes his construction. It’s a Bubblestand. Twenty-five cents a blow. Patrick pops up, borrows a quarter from Spongebob, and gives it a go.

He can’t blow, though. And he really, really tries! Big physical humor here. When he finally tires, Spongebob displays a “lessons” sign. Patrick borrows the quarter again. Oh, man, it really is funny. The timing!

SWITCH

Teaching the “Technique” is the lesson. In the Four, bubble blowing was a known thing to us poor normal rubes. After the Switch, we are amazed.

FIVE

With the Technique, Spongebob blows a set of ducks that quack when they pop. A boat bubble sounds its horn. An elephant, working its way into Squid’s window, erupts with a trumpet. Patrick is so delighted with it all.

But here comes Squid. He eventually plops down a quarter to show them how it’s done. All he can blow is a misshapen little bubble that makes a fart noise when it pops. Meanwhile, as he tries again and again, Spongebob and Patrick encourage him to use the Technique, demonstrating it. Eventually Squid does, remembering it perfectly (which is so wonderful), and his bubble is immense.

SIX

Squid brags about his success and completely denies that Spongebob’s Technique helped.

Here’s why I think the Three is the Three: Squid at the mirror points is a bad neighbor. He starts out unfriendly and alone, and after all the antics of the story he ends up unchanged. I see his behavior as a set of brackets. Everything contained, the absolute wonder of the bubble-blowing, won’t impact him. He won’t let it.

It’s not my favorite Three/Six, and I had to squiggle to line it up, but I’ll count it as legitimate.

SEVEN

He chooses to ignore and/or lie about the Technique, leaves his neighbors in the yard, and returns to his clarinet. Saying, “I rock,” he takes the credit for his bubble.

EIGHT

The overly large bubble returns, descending with ominous music and a heavy shadow. It envelops Squid’s house and lifts it up. With a giant fart noise, the bubble (offscreen) bursts. Spongebob and Patrick run away.

Okay, this is interesting: How many times will an episode’s Eight be Squidward’s comeuppance? And we love it every single time.

NINE

The Easter Island head settles into its spot, crooked and askew. A sad clarinet sound is heard.

TEA AT THE TREEDOME

It’s one of the best Spongebob episodes ever! When in doubt, pinkie out! As the third part of Episode One, this story is the longest and conveys a lot of world-building and character-building information.

ONE

We’re underwater, of course. Spongebob often establishes this, which I like. It’s such a beautiful, peaceful world. Immediately I’m ready for a great episode.

This is our first time seeing Spongebob jellyfish. (Jelly fish? Jellyfish fish?) His glasses, his net, his sneaky smile — all so charming.

TWO

He hears a strange noise. It’s Sandy having a fight with a clam shell. We don’t know yet that it’s Sandy, so the Two is an introduction to her character. It goes on for a while, but Sandy has a lot of rules that need explaining!

Spongebob pulls out a book: Field Guide, and looks up “Land Squirrel”. This is all hilarious.

Karate, something Sandy and Spongebob share, is introduced. They like each other.

THREE

As part of their karate showing-off, they head chop each other. When Spongebob hits Sandy, her air helmet becomes the focus. Sandy says that air is good, and Spongebob, who clearly doesn’t understand, agrees.

FOUR

He’s invited over for tea and cookies. Immediately Spongebob stops by Patrick’s rock to ask, “What’s air?” Patrick goes with “putting on airs” and tells Spongebob to “pinkie out”.

And here’s the treedome. It’s so pretty! It has an airlock with an alarm light. We’re just waiting for Spongebob to finally understand. Delicious anticipation. Sandy has a great place.

SWITCH

Air vs. water finally becomes clear to Spongebob. 

FIVE

Either he doesn’t want to admit his ignorance, or he doesn’t want to be rude to his new friend, but Spongebob pretends the lack of water isn’t important as he becomes drier and drier. He is Sandy’s first “sea critter” visitor. Meanwhile, Patrick’s outside the dome looking in, reminding Spongebob to “pinkie out”.

As Sandy retrieves the baking cookies, Spongebob stares at the ice cold vase of water on the picnic table. He doesn’t need it! Water is for quitters!

SIX

HE NEEDS IT!

SEVEN

Spongebob makes the decision to guzzle the water, quitter or no.

EIGHT

Patrick comes in to chastise him and immediately wilts and coughs from the lack of water. 

“Air is not good, Patrick.” It’s a beautiful line, instantly memorable. I kinda, sorta wish Spongebob would’ve said it at the Six, with that satisfying mirror moment, but the air acceptance/rejection motif is good enough.

When Sandy returns with the tea she’s shocked. Cut to an insert of a yellow dry sponge and a plastic starfish on the ground. Another first — the live-object photo insert — is so wonderful.

NINE

Sandy fills fish bowl helmets on Spongebob’s and Patrick’s heads with water. Tea bags go in the water, and pinkies go out.

REEF BLOWER

ONE

Squidward steps out his door and admires his sparkly clean yard.

TWO

Aha! A rogue seashell mars the sand. It seems kind of pretty to me — an added feature like a lawn ornament — but clearly it’s considered a fallen leaf. 

THREE

Squid, in a classic move, kicks the shell into Spongebob’s sparkly yard. Be careful what you set in motion at the Three, dear children.

FOUR

Immediately noticing the offending shell/leaf, Spongebob loads on his blower and starts it up. Squidward, relaxing in a hammock, frowns at the noise and puts in earplugs.

The shell, which has the aerodynamics of a leaf, won’t blow away. Chasing it, Spongebob ends up blowing sand all over Squidward’s lunch. 

SWITCH

Blowing hasn’t worked, so Spongebob flips the machine to suck.

FIVE

As Spongebob sucks up the sand, the blower revolts and spits out the load. Spongebob puts it back in. He will not be defeated! Using a very long cord pull, Spongebob starts a monster-sized suck and vacuums up the entire ocean. Squidward gasps for “air” and the blower pulses with its huge load.

It pops. Back comes the ocean. Sand piles are dumped everywhere.

SIX

Except for Spongebob’s yard, which is again sparkly clean.

SEVEN

Spongebob dusts his hands and goes into his pineapple. He’s done and his mission is accomplished.

EIGHT

All the piled sand is in Squidward’s yard, burying him up to the head. Punchline one.

The shell floats down and lands on his nose. Punchline two.

NINE

I considered if the shell was the Nine — Squidward is back where he started and nothing in his world has changed for the better — but ultimately decided it was an Eight. The shell is the Two-Trouble, so it makes more sense for it to reoccur and reflect back at the Eight.

The implied Nine, though, is just as effective.

HELP WANTED

ONE

The first episode of Spongebob Squarepants! The French-accented narrator introduces us to the sea, Bikini Bottom, and the pineapple home of Spongebob. It’s all so familiar now, but I can still imagine that moment when all this was new.

TWO

Spongebob’s underwater alarm clock rings like a foghorn. Whatever the day holds for this new character, it’s Trouble.

THREE

Here’s Spongebob in bed, waking up. Normally this wouldn’t be Three-worthy, but it’s our first time seeing him. Our hero!

FOUR

Gary the Snail, Patrick under his rock, the neighborhood street — all are introduced. Spongebob lifts teddy bear weights with difficulty, showing us a lot about his character. When he’s done the teddies float through the water and down to the ground, reiterating the rules of the world.

The Krusty Krab has a Help Wanted sign in the window. We meet Squidward and Mr. Krabs, and learn that to work at the KK is Spongebob’s dream. With a little boosting from Patrick, he goes in.

SWITCH

When Spongebob enters, he trips over a nail in the floor and goes through a cartoon slapstick rigamarole. Squidward and Mr. Krabs watch. It’s an exaggeration of every nightmare we’ve all had when applying for a new job. Will we be accepted?

FIVE

In order to be hired, Spongebob must pass a test. Mr. Krabs tells him to fetch a hydrodynamic spatula, something seemingly impossible. On the one hand, this is very Five: the team cannot assemble until all members have proven themselves. On the other hand, we learn that Mr. Krabs can be unfair and that Squidward will forever set himself against Spongebob. Classic character establishment for a series.

While Spongebob is gone shopping, busloads of Anchovies come to the KK and overwhelm the register. They’re like a wave, sending Mr. Krabs and Squidward up the restaurant’s mast. Things look bad.

SIX

Spongebob lowers himself by whirling spatula power to save the day. At the Three we see an unknown quantity: who is our protagonist? Here we see fulfillment. Oh! He’s a good-natured, resourceful underdog who happily bails out his friends.

SEVEN

“To the kitchen!” We never doubted Spongebob, but he officially decides to help.

EIGHT

Cue the surf music! Cooking and dancing, like a Busby Berkeley musical number, Spongebob feeds all the Anchovies and they leave. Mr. Krabs has an immense bag of money, which makes him content. You’re hired, and three cheers for Spongebob, much to Squidward’s dismay.

NINE

Patrick enters and orders a Krabby Patty. Ah, the future of the series! Spongebob makes dozens of burgers, Squidward complains, and Mr. Krabs doesn’t care. Sweet first episode. Everything that we know and love is already there.