Category: Spiderman

TOBEY MAGUIRE’S PETER PARKER, SIX

Maguire’s Spiderman is like a retriever who always brings the slimy tennis ball to drop in your lap. The dog is so cheerful, so proud, and so annoying. And if you shoo the dog away you’ll feel terrible because you broke its heart. 

Maguire is the Pity Peter. He’s nice and he’s trying really hard to take down the villain. However, he went petty and nasty once and got his Uncle Ben killed. No amount of smiles will change that fact. Even Aunt May, after he confesses, has to leave the room and reorient her mind before she can look at him again. He’s so busy bringing the rancid dog toy back that MJ gives up on him and becomes engaged to someone else.

Lol, wow. Time has moved on and Peter, to me, has aged very poorly. I didn’t know I had such a harsh verdict within me!

You know what it is? I might hate the moment when Peter lets the robber leave. I mean, from a writing perspective. It’s not him. He’s so ingenuous at every other scene, so open and trusting and fair. The writers did him wrong here. He’s otherwise so vulnerable I want to say he’s a Two. That’s a mistake, though. Look at his brainy introversion! Peter is a Head Type; that’s why his spidey swings are so joyous. It’s nothing he’s ever experienced before or even knew he wanted. That’s also why — lol — he looks like he’s going to miss the next grab while he flails about.

He’s a Six. Rules, even rules about his own fear, are important. That’s another reason the robber scene is wrong. A Six wouldn’t break the rules, but he would cower. Overcoming his timidity would be a crucial step. Uncle Ben still dies, but it’s not because Peter was callous. A Six, someone stuck in his head, would never do that. The situation catches him by surprise and he fails. He chooses inaction and a default position of fear. It’s early in his career and he hasn’t embraced all that Spiderman can do. When we see this Peter again in No Way Home he’s mature, calm, and assured. It’s a great arc. However, it’s grounded in a man who lived in fear and overcame that weakness. It’s not based on a moment of petty revenge.

ANDREW GARFIELD’S PETER PARKER, FOUR

This is an emotion-driven Spiderman. He must be a Four, lol.

First of all, The Amazing Spider-man is a particularly grim version of the story. The world is darker than in other iterations. Stylistically, this movie has a touch of the horror genre to it. Certain Character Enneagram numbers are more suited to this kind of storytelling. We need someone resilient. Peter is beat down a lot in this film. A Four will rise back up again.

The plot to this version is sparse. I won’t try a breakdown, but it doesn’t feel like it would hit all the beats. A Four Parker is very interesting; however, this isn’t the vehicle for him. Give me more backstory, more depth. Dig in. Ben and May are fantastic. Gwen and her father are fine (although don’t get me started about a costumer putting a young woman in thigh highs for a professional environment).

Many of the details on this movie are just okay. Peter’s a Four! Give him juicy scene chewing! Garfield is up to the task. Let him off the leash! This should’ve been a huge, emotional roller coaster. Instead, it’s meh.

TOM HOLLAND’S PETER PARKER, ONE

Holland’s Peter is nice because he’s young. He’s respectful to his elders. Obviously he’s a good person, too, but much of his wide-eyed aw-shucks is due to youth, not an inherent character trait.

Without Spiderman Peter still has an athletic comfortableness. The suit helps, the bite helps, but this Peter had some skills before all that. Odds are that this rule-following young man is a One. He has a fast way of moving, a physical quickness, that speaks of Body Type. He has ambition and charm — very One — while still trying to do as he’s told.

When I think of the old Spiderman cartoon TV show, a One is a great choice for Parker. The wise-cracking, the physical speed and dexterity, the moral certainty — these are the traits that define Spiderman for me. This is who he is in my memory, and Holland’s Peter brings that Spiderman to life.